Have you ever looked in the mirror and wonder what the hell happened to you and how you got here? Did you used to be lighthearted, carefree, strong, independent and secure? Did you have a mind of your own and a will that could not be broken? Well how the hell did you wind up a broken mess who is insecure, cries all the time, walks on eggshells and someone who constantly questions their own sanity? You got here by being, and remaining, in a toxic relationship with a man.
Toxic men come in many different forms, but the chaos they all cause is pretty much the same. They are in control, you are not. They go out of control at the drop of a hat, and no matter what you do, you cannot keep the peace because they can go off (and will) at any time. You can do nothing right, yet they do EVERYTHING right. (At least according to them). Nothing is ever their fault, it is always yours. They expect no punishment for their behavior, but will punish you in ways you never thought of in your worst nightmares, for the slightest “offense”. The punishment never fits the crime — your soul gets the “death penalty” every time.
With a toxic man, there is no boundary they won’t cross, no level they won’t sink to, and nothing is sacred. If you share with them your innermost fears, they will use them against you. If you tell them a secret they will threaten to reveal it. When they are mad, all bets are off when it comes to common decency. They go from your lover to your worst enemy in the snap of a finger. Since you cannot trust someone who will put a knife in your back for the slightest offense, insecurity begins to grow and fester. You think that because they do these things they must not care about you and are not afraid to lose you. They won’t, because they make sure they turn everything around and make it your fault, and that you made them do this. They make you believe you bring out the worst in them. The opposite is actually true.
You find yourself sinking to their level at times, because they will not deal with you on any adult level. No matter why the argument started, you are always the one defending your behavior, not them. This man insults you, calls you controlling, when you both know you are not, and instead of brushing it off, you focus on that and then try to prove to him you are not controlling. It doesn’t matter how hard you try and prove it, it won’t matter to him. He will just come up with another insult, accusation, or way to blame you for everything. Funny how you have this magic gift of making him act like an asshole, huh? You would think you would use it to make him prince charming, wouldn’t you? It is laughable, because for all you tried to please him, nothing ever will, and no matter how hard you tried to make him do anything good, you couldn’t. It is all smoke and mirrors, so you won’t see that it really is him, and not you.
He will not let you question him, even though his behavior is questionable. YOU on the other other hand, cannot be trusted. He wants to know where you are, what you are doing, who you are with and makes outrageous accusations. God help you if you smile too widely at the postman. He will accuse you of wanting to sleep with him, being a flirt, a slut, etc. He does this because he wants you to focus on proving to him you won’t leave, instead of focusing on how toxic he is and why you should leave.
He can have multiple women in his life, but you can only have him in yours. He won’t commit to you, and won’t leave you alone long enough to find someone else who will. He has no intention of making you happy and giving you what you want, he just gives you enough mixed signals or outright lies to make you believe someday you just might get it. He may have a bad attitude toward women in general, and feel you are not a partner in the relationship, but a peasant. You will always hear about how hurt, devastated and mistreated he is. He, of course, has done nothing to deserve any of it. *Yeah right*.
He is a victim, a poor innocent victim. He is a narcissist who is only concerned with his feelings, wants, and desires, and lashes out when those are not met and satisfied. Who cares about your feelings? Certainly not him. He will want to be the center of your attention, and will hold a grudge and even try and separate you from those who take some of your attention away from him. He will isolate you from those that care about you, and want you all to himself. He knows that when you are isolated, you are more vulnerable and easier to control and manipulate. He will exaggerate your every flaw and minor offense and make everything a big deal. He will diminish anything he does wrong, and dismiss it with the wave of his hand. If it is not about him it is NO BIG DEAL. He will sabotage your career path, work, friendships, family relationships, and any other kind of personal goals or dreams you have.
To sum it all up, a toxic relationship is the worst of the dysfunctional relationships because they are so over the top. There is no way to win, no matter how hard you try. There is no way to be heard, no matter how loud you yell. There is nothing you can do that cannot be turned against you. There is no way to keep the peace when a toxic man is in charge. There is no making him happy either, unless you become his Stepford Wife.
It is time to stop questioning your sanity and start questioning his. It is time to stop trying to reason with someone who is unreasonable. It is time to stop trying to make it work with a toxic man, because a toxic man works against you, not with you. It is time for you to do a a “toxic cleanse” and get this relationship out of your system.