Was He Going To Blow Her Off All Along?

 

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Name: lifeishort | | Location: new york , ny |Question: HELP, I have been separated for a year from a loveless 15 yr marriage. ALL is really really good in my life now. Enjoying my new life, my new freedom, my new sexuality. I am usually a really good judge of where i stand with a guy and have no major issue with rejection. I DO however have an issue with confusion ;) I met a guy, went on a date and WOW, I was pretty blown away, looks, intelligence, accent, everything! We made out a bit at the bar and he walked me home. Sweet. I would have done a lot more had he asked but was glad we took date one slow. Then he says lets go out next week.. texts me everyday… when wed comes i said ” are you still up for getting together this week” 5 seconds later “yes, absolutely, you pick fri or sat?” I say Friday and we have a GREAT date… fun, chemistry, lots of talking… we end up back at his place and fool around pretty heavily. this is me being more open and honest and less game playing (like, gee i don’t want to look like a slut – just went with it) we cuddle ALL morning long.. keep falling back asleep until 11:00 AM… takes me out for breakfast. Next week…again with the texts and the “let’s get together at the end of the week, work is a bit crzay” OK, so I text him on Thursday and say “OK, this IS the end of the week for ME… I am free tonight or we can make plans for next week” He says “tonight might work, if I can get out of the office” later that night “can’t make it, too crazy”.. to which i responded “NP I still have sunday open if you are up for it… but the ball is back in your court, this is my final offer ;)” that was thursday…here it is SATURDAY and no repsonse.. WTF??? I get “NOT BEING INTERESTED.. i do NOT get texting like you ARE and then just falling off the map. IS HE JUST REALLY BAD WITH MAKING PLANS, inconsiderate, not interested, busy at work, juggling women??? we are both over 35, not new to this… he knows I have a little kid so i can’t be too too spontaneous. help, i feel like i am in high school.! Any GUYS that can shed some light?? |Age: 45

Well, there are a couple things that may have deterred him, although my gut says he was never in this for the long haul anyway. First is your somewhat aggressive attitude and tone. If you said in a text what you said in your letter…you sounded a bit pushy. Men don’t really care for ultimatums. Nor are they fond of being spoken in such a rude way, and you were kind of rude. And you made yourself way too available. If he wanted to see you, he’d be sure to schedule a date.

Again, for future reference…All I hear is Me, Me, Me ,Me. Well, what about him? Maybe he got stuck at work? Maybe things really are crazy for him at his office. Why aren’t you the least bit concerned or supportive of that? THAT is what will get you further with a man – or anyone. My Mom used to say, “You catch more flies with honey than you do vinegar.”  You served up vinegar, and that probably made him check out for a couple days. He’s not going to just bend when you say so. Men are looking for someone who will meet their needs, not ignore them.

You say “you’re both over 35.” But you’re age is 45. If you were both in your 40′s, you’d have said you were both over 40. So I’m going to guess this guy was between 36 an 40, yes? So…at least 5 years younger than you? OK. Ugh. Here it comes….

A guy in his late 30′s dating a woman 45? That’s questionable enough although YES IT DOES HAPPEN. But a guy his age, if he was looking for something serious, could and would date closer to his age. Then there’s the making out at the bar. And the fact that you had to text him to see if you second date was even still on. And the fact that he blew you off for the third date. Like you said, he knows you have a child, so if he really wanted to see you he’d be sure to make plans with you in advance so you could arrange for child care. Also, if a guy is really interested, he’s not waiting til Thursday to make plans for the weekend. This all sounds like behavior you see in guys under 40. Not that guy over 40 don’t pull this crap, but if he was older than her, she would have said they were both over 45.

This guy isn’t interested in you. At least, not in the way you are interested in him. I think he was in it for the sex, and will invest some time with texts here and there but insisting he’s busy, probably see you one more time and sleep with you. Then he’ll come up with malaria and tell you he’s now being kept in a big plastic bubble for the foreseeable future. Move on. Nothing to see here.

we end up back at his place and fool around pretty heavily. this is me being more open and honest and less game playing (like, gee i don’t want to look like a slut – just went with it)

Some advice. Be a little more afraid to look like a slut. I mean, this guy was going to bail anyway, regardless of when you fooled around with him. But at least, if you hadn’t fooled around with him, you wouldn’t have given him what he wanted. The guy probably got the signs that you were “enjoying your sexuality” on the first date and scheduled the second one with the intent of getting laid or at least a blow job. And…he did. There really shouldn’t be any going back to each others places after only two dates. It’s great that you’re enjoying your sexuality but..come on..you have a child. Do you really want to be that Mom known for sleeping around? Is that the example you want to set for your kid? I’m not saying that Mom’s don’t have sex drives and don’t have the right to break loose every once in a while. Just practice being more selective. You thought you and this guy were dating. This guy..well..didn’t.

I’d rather get blown off after a ton of first and second dates than to get physical in some way with a guy on the first or second date and THEN get blown off. It’s less humiliating and there’s less Monday morning quarterbacking.

i do NOT get texting like you ARE and then just falling off the map.

But…he really didn’t. He was texting you, he never asked you out, you had to text him to follow up and his final text was that he couldn’t make it for the third date after you issued him an ultimatum. He was just “investing” – putting in enough effort so that, if nothing else comes up, you’ll still be available and willing to go out and/or hook up. Or..he was turned off by how aggressive you were and how available you made yourself. The guy wasn’t making actual plans with you. Know why? He was probably waiting to see what else came down the pike before locking himself in to a date with you. You made it clear you were interested with your texts trying to confirm plans, basically jumped when he said when, alerted him to the fact that you were making time for him and you went back to his place with him on the 2nd date. You made it all way too easy for him.

Shame On Me

 

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Name: lonely | Location: bridgewater , new jersey |Question: Moxie, I have a problem that through reading your blog, is getting better. I’m 20 years old, and I want to figure out why I’ve never been in a healthy relationship. I find myself “selling myself short” if that’s how you want to put it. I always end up in a fwb type situation, and I know this is not what I really want, but I always accept it. I would like to change my behavior before it’s too late. I’ve already started self examining myself by reading your blog; I’ve gotten better with understanding that “a guy won’t buy the cow if he’s getting the milk for free,” and I was one of the girls who thought that I would just be in the situation temporarily, and he will surely change his mind and make me his girlfriend. Well, after mistakes, I’ve learned that neither is true, and I feel like I’m getting a little better at recognizing when I’m doing this to myself, but I still want to know how I can finally form a healthy relationship, and stop putting myself in these situations. Sometimes, when I look back, I feel like such an idiot for allowing these things to happen to me, but it seems that no matter what I do or how hard I try to refrain from sex, or try changing the guys I’m talking to, I always settle for less than I should, and it’s starting to make me feel like crap. A good kick in the pants would be appreciated. Thank you.  |Age: 20

You settle for less because you believe you deserve it. The first thing you need to do is to get rid of the shame that you feel about your past choices. I was having a conversation with someone the other day of how detrimental shame can be and what it can lead us to do. Shame causes us to shut down and stay in one place. A place where we’re some pathetic schmuck who allowed ourselves to do things we normally wouldn’t have done if we weren’t feeling lonely or hopeless.

The thing to remember is………EVERYBODY has things in their past that they are ashamed of. The key is to let yourself off the hook. If you don’t, and you continue to beat yourself up, you’ll prevent yourself from moving forward and healing.You’ll keep repeating those negative messages in your head and start to believe them.

There’s an upside to feeling shame. It means you know what the right thing to do is. It means you aren’t numb inside, incapable of feeling anything. That’s not something to brush off. There are a lot of people who feel no shame at all, who delude and lie to themselves to the point where they live in some kind of alternate, subjective reality.They keep repeating the same patterns over and over and over again, expecting different results. The definition of insanity. We all know those people. Maybe it’s that one girlfriend who repeatedly pursues men with girlfriends, or the guy who sticks to one night stands, or the friend who stays in relationships too long when all signs say to get out immediately. These people do these things for so long that they become dead inside to a point, unable to feel the pain that they are inflicting upon themselves. What they’re really doing is staying in relationships or pursuing situations that raise the likelihood that they will never be forced to truly open up to someone else.

The fact that you still feel is actually a great thing. Now you just need to change the tapes in your head and be more supportive of yourself.

When I was just starting to diet, I carried a lot of shame around. How did I let myself get so out of shape? How could I have put on so much weight? It wasn’t until I just owned up to my responsibility in my weight gain and forgave myself for letting myself go that I could actually commit to working out and eating right. By berating myself, I was actually creating an excuse not to lose the weight.

By holding on to the guilt and the shame, you’re creating this hurdle for yourself and conditioning yourself to believe you don’t deserve more or that you’re not capable of having a healthy relationship. You do and you are. You just have to believe it. You have to face up to your past, acknowledge where you made mistakes, understand why you did it and then lock that stuff away in a box in your mind. Unlock that box when your tempted, recall that feeling of shame and guilt and decide you don’t want to feel that way anymore. You’re already way ahead in the game. You’re just stuck at the letting go part. You should be proud of the fact that you can admit what you did wrong and why. Now tuck it away and forgive yourself.

Men Love a Woman In Charge

“Oh..he’s just intimidated by me.”

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First, few if any men who are actually intimidated by a woman will tell her they’re intimidated. They’re automatically making themselves appear weak and vulnerable. Given how many men avoid feelings like those as much as possible, why would they freely choose to put themselves in that position?

The one time men will freely make this confession is when he’s talking to a beautiful woman. He’s stroking her ego and trying to make himself appear insecure, letting her think she has the power in the dynamic. Women do this too. We let men think they’re in control at times when they’re really not. I’m not implying that this is some sort of devious form of manipulation.Both genders engage in this kind of game, and it’s usually to get what we want or maintain harmony in the relationship. Smart couples know that some battles just don’t need to be fought.

If a man tells a woman – be it a female friend or a woman he’s dating – that he or another man finds her intimidating, usually he’s just trying to soften the blow. She’s not really intimidating to men. She’s off putting. Whatever the reason is for him losing or not having any interest in her, it has nothing to do with actually being intimidating.

The word “intimidating” is just a nice little umbrella under which all these more accurate descriptors fall. Adjectives like “bossy” and “snobby” and “demanding” and “bitchy.” Men use this excuse because they know we’ll secretly be happy at the thought that men are intimidated by us. Then they’re off the hook. It’s a way for them to avoid getting in to an argument or hurting our feelings. But it’s also their way of saying “It’s not them. It’s you.”

  • Men are not scared off by a highly intelligent or intellectual woman, even one who’s more intelligent than them. They’re repelled by a self-proclaimed smartypants.
  • Men are not unsettled by a woman with an opinion. They’re annoyed by a woman who has to be right.
  • Men do not run when a woman expresses disappointment or frustration. They head for the hills when she has a temper tantrum.
  • Men love women who can engage in a spirited debate. They shut down when a woman argues using passive aggressive jabs and ad hominem attacks.
  • Men don’t feel threatened when a woman questions their motives. They back away when she expresses a clear cut inability to trust.

Bottom Line? Most men, the good ones, the worthwhile ones, love a woman who doesn’t put up with their shit. In fact, they want that. They need it. We’re the ones that put and keep them on the straight and narrow. Believe it or not, guys actually do get tired of dating and sleeping around. They get to this point where they decide it’s time to grow up. They’ve managed their career, they’ve managed their credit and finances, they can cook and clean and take care of themselves. They’re not looking for a Mommy or a Warden. They’re looking for a partner, someone to help them re-adjust that internal compass and point them in the direction of the things that matter.

The ones who do shy away from “strong” women…well, they’re usually up to no good anyway. So if you’re frequently being told you’re intimidating to men, you either manage to meet/ are attracted to an unusually high number of sleazebags or….you’re turning some of these guys off in some way.

Being told you’re intimidating – to anyone – is not a compliment. It’s a warning.

I  agree with the Bottom Line:  “Most men, the good ones, the worthwhile ones, love a woman who doesn’t put up with their shit.” But I don’t agree with the bullet points before that — the steps you took to get there — because they don’t take into account men who are insecure.  When a man is insecure, or has a fragile ego, or hasn’t grown up yet, he can fairly easily be threatened by a woman who is smarter, makes more money, expresses herself confidently, questions their BS, etc. – Paula

Right. Except the majority of men aren’t insecure. Some of them are, but they are not the average or typical male. See, this is another myth women like to get out there to justify why they’re still single. The “average” guy is NOT insecure. If a woman continuously encounters such insecure men, truly insecure men, then she should rexamine why and how she keeps meeting and attracting them.

YOUR THOUGHTS?

Have We Become a Generation of Desperate Singles?

 

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Name: FwB Female | | Location:  , NJ |Question: Met a 30 year old guy and we’re considering a FwB situation. There’s an easy-going conversation between us and a mutual attraction. All systems seem go. He’s admitted to having had sexual relations with a man more than 5 years ago. He says it was a unique situation, something very special with that man who has since died (and did not have AIDS), and he doesn’t feel that he ever wants or needs to have that again. He’s been with women before that relationship and since and he’s quite comfortable with his sexual choices. We’ve both been tested previously, just as part of regular health checkups, so I feel we’re both serious-minded people about safe sex. I’m fairly certain I know what I’m going to do, but I’m curious what you and your readers would do: Would you have sex with this man? |Age: 40

Probably not, but only because I’m looking for something different and looking to get away from these types of arrangements. But you might be in a different place than me. If everybody tests clean, and you’re sure of what you want, then I wouldn’t let his past experiences bother you. Women experiment all the time and it’s applauded. But men do it and it’s looked down upon.

But this situation raises a question, a delicate question. And it sorts kinda relates to the question above as well as dozens of other questions that get submitted here. (But to clarify..I’m not saying the OP is desperate.)

What I’m, seeing a lot of lately is women and men settling, regressing and lying to themselves. Is it me or has this become more common prevalent in the last few years? Has online dating contributed to this? Social networking sites?

I keep hearing women talk about men that they meet who, pretty clearly to anyone with all their brain cells, are douchebags. Narcissists, game players, emotionally closed off, selfish, self-indulgent. Yet I hear and read women pining for these jerks all the time. I read Twitter accounts where women post updates about how they had random sex with strangers or gave themselves to men (physically, emotionally, both) that clearly didn’t value them.

I read blogs and journals written by men depict the women they date and pathetic and desperate (yet they sleep with them anyway) and seem weirdly proud of having random casual sex without condoms. I was reading one guy’s journal on OKCupid the other day.His entry was about how the girl he was interested in brought “the fat friend” out with her one night. His statements were bad enough. But what was worse were the women leaving comments on his entry flirting with and agreeing with the guy. That’s something you see on blogs, too. The commenters enable and encourage the blogger’s resentment, delusions and self-deception. Why?

And here’s the kicker…I’m not talking single men and women in their twenties. Nope. Thirties and forties.

The thing about social media and all these new found ways to connect – Twitter, Facebook, online dating – they were supposed to make people feel less alone. Yet I think the opposite is going on. I think these mediums are actually making us feel more isolated and dismissed. Or, because of the anonymity factor, we can let loose and be our “true selves.” Is that it? Were we all just keeping this desperate behavior locked up and now it’s finally been let off the chain in cyber space?

I was saying on the private blog the other day how badly I feel whenever I go on to an online dating site. I’m confronted with a reality, not actual reality but a subjective reality, that is really depressing. The disclaimers that men and women put in their profiles (“Please don’t waste my time” “No crazypants, please!” “If you are into hobby XYZ, we probably won’t get along”) , the delusions they perpetuate (45 yr old men unwilling to date women over 35 because they still want kids) , the insecurity they so clearly harbor (the old photos or ones cropped or taken while they hide behind chairs and desks to mask their weight or height).

I don’t know when or how this started. Do you?