Name: lifeishort | | Location: new york , ny |Question: HELP, I have been separated for a year from a loveless 15 yr marriage. ALL is really really good in my life now. Enjoying my new life, my new freedom, my new sexuality. I am usually a really good judge of where i stand with a guy and have no major issue with rejection. I DO however have an issue with confusion I met a guy, went on a date and WOW, I was pretty blown away, looks, intelligence, accent, everything! We made out a bit at the bar and he walked me home. Sweet. I would have done a lot more had he asked but was glad we took date one slow. Then he says lets go out next week.. texts me everyday… when wed comes i said ” are you still up for getting together this week” 5 seconds later “yes, absolutely, you pick fri or sat?” I say Friday and we have a GREAT date… fun, chemistry, lots of talking… we end up back at his place and fool around pretty heavily. this is me being more open and honest and less game playing (like, gee i don’t want to look like a slut – just went with it) we cuddle ALL morning long.. keep falling back asleep until 11:00 AM… takes me out for breakfast. Next week…again with the texts and the “let’s get together at the end of the week, work is a bit crzay” OK, so I text him on Thursday and say “OK, this IS the end of the week for ME… I am free tonight or we can make plans for next week” He says “tonight might work, if I can get out of the office” later that night “can’t make it, too crazy”.. to which i responded “NP I still have sunday open if you are up for it… but the ball is back in your court, this is my final offer ;)” that was thursday…here it is SATURDAY and no repsonse.. WTF??? I get “NOT BEING INTERESTED.. i do NOT get texting like you ARE and then just falling off the map. IS HE JUST REALLY BAD WITH MAKING PLANS, inconsiderate, not interested, busy at work, juggling women??? we are both over 35, not new to this… he knows I have a little kid so i can’t be too too spontaneous. help, i feel like i am in high school.! Any GUYS that can shed some light?? |Age: 45
Well, there are a couple things that may have deterred him, although my gut says he was never in this for the long haul anyway. First is your somewhat aggressive attitude and tone. If you said in a text what you said in your letter…you sounded a bit pushy. Men don’t really care for ultimatums. Nor are they fond of being spoken in such a rude way, and you were kind of rude. And you made yourself way too available. If he wanted to see you, he’d be sure to schedule a date.
Again, for future reference…All I hear is Me, Me, Me ,Me. Well, what about him? Maybe he got stuck at work? Maybe things really are crazy for him at his office. Why aren’t you the least bit concerned or supportive of that? THAT is what will get you further with a man – or anyone. My Mom used to say, “You catch more flies with honey than you do vinegar.” You served up vinegar, and that probably made him check out for a couple days. He’s not going to just bend when you say so. Men are looking for someone who will meet their needs, not ignore them.
You say “you’re both over 35.” But you’re age is 45. If you were both in your 40′s, you’d have said you were both over 40. So I’m going to guess this guy was between 36 an 40, yes? So…at least 5 years younger than you? OK. Ugh. Here it comes….
A guy in his late 30′s dating a woman 45? That’s questionable enough although YES IT DOES HAPPEN. But a guy his age, if he was looking for something serious, could and would date closer to his age. Then there’s the making out at the bar. And the fact that you had to text him to see if you second date was even still on. And the fact that he blew you off for the third date. Like you said, he knows you have a child, so if he really wanted to see you he’d be sure to make plans with you in advance so you could arrange for child care. Also, if a guy is really interested, he’s not waiting til Thursday to make plans for the weekend. This all sounds like behavior you see in guys under 40. Not that guy over 40 don’t pull this crap, but if he was older than her, she would have said they were both over 45.
This guy isn’t interested in you. At least, not in the way you are interested in him. I think he was in it for the sex, and will invest some time with texts here and there but insisting he’s busy, probably see you one more time and sleep with you. Then he’ll come up with malaria and tell you he’s now being kept in a big plastic bubble for the foreseeable future. Move on. Nothing to see here.
we end up back at his place and fool around pretty heavily. this is me being more open and honest and less game playing (like, gee i don’t want to look like a slut – just went with it)
Some advice. Be a little more afraid to look like a slut. I mean, this guy was going to bail anyway, regardless of when you fooled around with him. But at least, if you hadn’t fooled around with him, you wouldn’t have given him what he wanted. The guy probably got the signs that you were “enjoying your sexuality” on the first date and scheduled the second one with the intent of getting laid or at least a blow job. And…he did. There really shouldn’t be any going back to each others places after only two dates. It’s great that you’re enjoying your sexuality but..come on..you have a child. Do you really want to be that Mom known for sleeping around? Is that the example you want to set for your kid? I’m not saying that Mom’s don’t have sex drives and don’t have the right to break loose every once in a while. Just practice being more selective. You thought you and this guy were dating. This guy..well..didn’t.
I’d rather get blown off after a ton of first and second dates than to get physical in some way with a guy on the first or second date and THEN get blown off. It’s less humiliating and there’s less Monday morning quarterbacking.
i do NOT get texting like you ARE and then just falling off the map.
But…he really didn’t. He was texting you, he never asked you out, you had to text him to follow up and his final text was that he couldn’t make it for the third date after you issued him an ultimatum. He was just “investing” – putting in enough effort so that, if nothing else comes up, you’ll still be available and willing to go out and/or hook up. Or..he was turned off by how aggressive you were and how available you made yourself. The guy wasn’t making actual plans with you. Know why? He was probably waiting to see what else came down the pike before locking himself in to a date with you. You made it clear you were interested with your texts trying to confirm plans, basically jumped when he said when, alerted him to the fact that you were making time for him and you went back to his place with him on the 2nd date. You made it all way too easy for him.