Have We Become a Generation of Desperate Singles?

 

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Name: FwB Female | | Location:  , NJ |Question: Met a 30 year old guy and we’re considering a FwB situation. There’s an easy-going conversation between us and a mutual attraction. All systems seem go. He’s admitted to having had sexual relations with a man more than 5 years ago. He says it was a unique situation, something very special with that man who has since died (and did not have AIDS), and he doesn’t feel that he ever wants or needs to have that again. He’s been with women before that relationship and since and he’s quite comfortable with his sexual choices. We’ve both been tested previously, just as part of regular health checkups, so I feel we’re both serious-minded people about safe sex. I’m fairly certain I know what I’m going to do, but I’m curious what you and your readers would do: Would you have sex with this man? |Age: 40

Probably not, but only because I’m looking for something different and looking to get away from these types of arrangements. But you might be in a different place than me. If everybody tests clean, and you’re sure of what you want, then I wouldn’t let his past experiences bother you. Women experiment all the time and it’s applauded. But men do it and it’s looked down upon.

But this situation raises a question, a delicate question. And it sorts kinda relates to the question above as well as dozens of other questions that get submitted here. (But to clarify..I’m not saying the OP is desperate.)

What I’m, seeing a lot of lately is women and men settling, regressing and lying to themselves. Is it me or has this become more common prevalent in the last few years? Has online dating contributed to this? Social networking sites?

I keep hearing women talk about men that they meet who, pretty clearly to anyone with all their brain cells, are douchebags. Narcissists, game players, emotionally closed off, selfish, self-indulgent. Yet I hear and read women pining for these jerks all the time. I read Twitter accounts where women post updates about how they had random sex with strangers or gave themselves to men (physically, emotionally, both) that clearly didn’t value them.

I read blogs and journals written by men depict the women they date and pathetic and desperate (yet they sleep with them anyway) and seem weirdly proud of having random casual sex without condoms. I was reading one guy’s journal on OKCupid the other day.His entry was about how the girl he was interested in brought “the fat friend” out with her one night. His statements were bad enough. But what was worse were the women leaving comments on his entry flirting with and agreeing with the guy. That’s something you see on blogs, too. The commenters enable and encourage the blogger’s resentment, delusions and self-deception. Why?

And here’s the kicker…I’m not talking single men and women in their twenties. Nope. Thirties and forties.

The thing about social media and all these new found ways to connect – Twitter, Facebook, online dating – they were supposed to make people feel less alone. Yet I think the opposite is going on. I think these mediums are actually making us feel more isolated and dismissed. Or, because of the anonymity factor, we can let loose and be our “true selves.” Is that it? Were we all just keeping this desperate behavior locked up and now it’s finally been let off the chain in cyber space?

I was saying on the private blog the other day how badly I feel whenever I go on to an online dating site. I’m confronted with a reality, not actual reality but a subjective reality, that is really depressing. The disclaimers that men and women put in their profiles (“Please don’t waste my time” “No crazypants, please!” “If you are into hobby XYZ, we probably won’t get along”) , the delusions they perpetuate (45 yr old men unwilling to date women over 35 because they still want kids) , the insecurity they so clearly harbor (the old photos or ones cropped or taken while they hide behind chairs and desks to mask their weight or height).

I don’t know when or how this started. Do you?

How Do You Not Let The Fade Affect You?

 

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I’m a big fan of your blog, and it’s great to hear some real, constructive advice about dating. My problem is more theoretical than concrete. How do you not let The Fade affect you? It has become increasingly clear that most guys, unless they’re madly in love with you pull this charming maneuver. I don’t want to get jaded, and I don’t want to give up on dating all together. But every time this happens, I internalize the message that I’m not worth a phone call or a text. I end up feeling like I’m forgettable, boring, and not hot or interesting enough to hold a guy’s attention for longer than a few months.  I know I don’t fall into the heavy girl camp you sometimes bring up to women who get rejected a lot. But I try my best to go with the flow of things and usually that flow ends after a few months of constant communication, flirting, and yes in some cases after we’ve slept together. And it’s not that I get full on rejected. Because eventually these guys do call a month or so down the line, and I stupidly get all flattered and agree to hang out with them again. Being single and dating has started to make me view my worth in terms of how much male attention I receive, and when I catch myself on it, I literally begin to feel sick. As much as I cognitively know I’m smart, accomplished, well read and decently well traveled, nothing feels as good to me as having some guy I dated who proceeded to ignore me, call me a month or two later to ask me out because he has “been thinking about me.”  The cycle perpetuates itself, and I don’t know how to avoid that awful low I feel when I don’t hear from them. I’m 23, and know that this is a slippery slope to dysfunctional relationships and/or being alone. Two things I don’t want for myself. Any advice on building a shell would be great. |Age: 23

I had an instructor once that really, really pissed me off. But they were a great instructor. So I decided to just marginalize them rather than let them go. Why? Because I might need them some time in the future. Sometimes we do that with our dates. They’re great for the most part, but don’t totally do it for us in one area or another, but we hate to totally burn a bridge. So we just say nothing. The other reason why I didn’t say anything to the instructor is because, well, I really didn’t want to deal with the inevitable back and forth, defensiveness and possible argument.I wanted to avoid the conflict.

That’s why people pull The Fade. They either don’t want to deal with the drama or they don’t want to totally scratch someone off their list. For the most part it’s about them. It’s the easy way out. But it’s also a  tiny bit about the person being sidelined. I didn’t take things up with my instructor because a) I knew what I said would go in one ear and out the other b) they’d get defensive c) I don’t deal well with those situations. Now, when there’s someone I know who can have a rational conversation, I’m more forthcoming.

These guys you’re dating, for all you know they were dating other people as well and decided to pursue that option. And then, when it didn’t work out, they turned back to you. I’ve received a number of emails from men telling me that they had other options, didn’t want to juggle or multi task, etc. Depending on how they say it, that bit of information makes me feel better. But most times a guy can’t win in those situations. They’re damned if they do, damned if they don’t. So many of them choose to say nothing and hope the woman just won’t notice that they went rogue for 4 weeks.

I used to feel the same way you felt about being blown off or ignored. It made me think I wasn’t good enough. And I’d push for an answer, which really gets you slotted in the “crazy” category. And regardless of how justified people feel they are in blowing up someone’s email or cell phone with messages demanding a answer, that behavior is merely a manifestation of deeper, pre-existing issues. So if you do handle situations like that, it’s not because the guy is a selfish jerkwad. It’s because you have control or self-esteem issues. And, no, despite what others say…that behavior is not common. Let’s not try to pass off crazy behavior as normal just to make it seem less crazy. And please, ladies, don’t try to lump us all together thinking there’s credibility in numbers. What you do, you do. Just because 10% of the female population might flip out doesn’t mean it’s typical.

You said you knew this was somewhat common behavior. You’re right. So, rather than think the guy’s decision to fade is about you, why not consider that it’s about them? Why not just tell yourself that the guy clearly wasn’t invested enough to follow through, and while the way he handled it is questionable, it doesn’t mean you did something wrong.It means the situation wasn’t right for them. You’re assuming that your situations are somehow different. They’re not. This is a common practice. so you shouldn’t personalize it.

Even if a guy thinks you can handle the truth, he’s still not likely to tell you the truth. Guys hate conflict and they’ll do anything to avoid it. Regardless of how rational we are, they still don’t want to risk having a fight. They’re just not equipped for those kinds of conversation. They’re problem solvers. Not debaters. That’s not about you. I’d say 75% of men who pull The Fade do so for this reason. The other 25% are just keeping their options open. Neither has anyhing to do with your worth.

The other thing you need to do is to stop taking them back. See, if they do come back like that after weeks of being AWOL, it’s because they get the sense you’ll be happy to hear from them. Men KNOW when a woman isn’t going to tolerate their bullshit. Those aren’t women they are pulling this with. Maybe it’s that you’re too tolerant or too available. I don’t know. But I do know that men will not pull this on women who set very clear boundaries and who show them that they value themselves and their time.

Maybe you need to start taking more of a hard line with these guys? Or, better yet, meet better guys? Don’t be too accommodating or forgiving. That means no last minute dates, no letting them get away with late night texts asking to come over, no ignoring your gut when you sense they’re lying. You should never allow yourself to feel so lonely that you’ll accept bad behavior. Selfish men intentionally choose women like this knowing that they’ll put up with their bullshit. That’s why you (women) have to set the tone early, as in right away. Let them get away with bad behavior from the start, and they’ll keep behaving badly.

Should She Hold Out for a Man With No Kids?

 

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I am a bit older than most of your readers but think my concern is non age specific.

I have been seeing a great guy for about 8 months now. I am very comfortable with him, we have tons in common and the sex is great. I really like him, would consider a LTR with him if it were possible as well. Of course no relationship is perfect–there are little things of course but I know I am far from perfect as well and these are things we are working on or I can live with.

The issue I have is that he is divorced and has a few kids. His relationship with the ex is workable. The ex and kids are on the right coast and he is living on the left coast as am I. The divorce is about 1.5 years old and he goes back to see the kids (youngest is 6) a few times a year and of course on the holidays if he can. So at times he is gone for 7-14 days. Not like he can see the kids on Xmas and then come to see me for a few hours.

I don’t really mind spending the holidays alone, I usually do as my family is not here. But friends of mine say I should look for a man who is all mine and will spend holidays with me. That this will get old fast and I will never be happy. When I hear this I start to wonder if they are right. But I also know at my age finding a man who is divorced or single without kids is going to be next to impossible. I have dated a few men in their 40s who are not married and even though I did not have the family drama, these guys had issues that were far worse to deal with then being alone on holidays.

I was wondering how other men and women deal with this issue. If they are dating people who are divorced with kids, how they reconcile that in their minds and deal with the fact that they might not be spending holidays with the person they are dating. How do others deal with this.

Thanks |Age: 50

If it’s not one thing, it’s another. The thing to remember is that, regardless of your age, this is a common theme. You have to compromise and not be so picky, regardless of your age, if you want to be happy. You’re never going to find that one ideal man or woman who meets every requirement.

Should you ditch this otherwise decent guy because he’s not around for 50 days out of the year? 50 out of 365? No, you shouldn’t. At least I don’t think so. What about women who marry pilots or men in Iraq or just regular ol’ men who travel a lot for work? They manage just fine. And these friends of your who encourage you to break things off and find someone who is available 365 days? Tell me, are they single, too?  I sometimes wonder if women intentionally give their female friends the wrong advice just because they want them to be single and miserable, too.

I get the need and desire to have someone at the holidays. But we’re talking two to three days of the year. Really, is that THAT big of a deal? Is it that this guy isn’t around that bothers you? Or is it the fact that he’s spending time around his kinds and possibly his ex that has you confused and unsettled?

I also think, and I’m just speculating, that there’s something unsettling about the mother or father of your mate’s children being in the picture. They have a connection with your mate that you don’t. No matter what happens, what shit goes down, the two of them are bonded for the rest of their lives. So, in a way, they can never totally lose that person the way someone who didn’t have children with them would.

I think you should stick it out.

How 1 Method Made Me Irresistible to Beautiful Women

 

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Belief. Believing you can do something automatically enables you to do it – therefore, why not believe you’re the best thing since slice bread as far as women are concerned?

Limiting beliefs

One of the main reasons men get help back from attracting the woman of their dreams comes down to simple beliefs they carry around which limits their progress. Common examples:

  1. They think I’m ugly
  2. I will be seen as boring because I don’t know what to say
  3. I’ll be too nervous to even approach her

I’m sure you can see why these beliefs could limit you but here’s a simple way to turn them around in with one method that made me irresistible to beautiful women – re-framing.

The act of re-framing is converting the negative belief into a positive belief by changing a few key words. For example the previous list can be changed to:

  1. They won’t care of my physical appearance
  2. I’ll know what to say because they will be relaxed
  3. I’m nervous of rejection but not afraid to change

The beliefs are not instantly better. No more will you doubt yourself into defeat, instead you’ll march head in with your new belief structure since you are an irresistible piece of man gold that can’t be rejected from your goals – only delayed.

You can do anything

I love reassuring myself I can do anything because now it’s completely automated and I know I can – and so can you. The main obstacle is your own intelligence, especially if you’re very intelligent. Smart men tend to convince themselves their original beliefs must be right (I’m ugly etc) and tend to stick with them longer. If this is you, you need to get over your intelligence.

Here’s 3 things to think about:

  1. Life isn’t fair… and that’s awesome
  2. Luck is choice, you are the only person who truly cares about your success
  3. Classic line from Deangelo: “You are in my reality and you are a guest”

What thoughts are flying around with these 3 things, what do they mean to you? I’d love to know in the comments.