Name: FwB Female | | Location: , NJ |Question: Met a 30 year old guy and we’re considering a FwB situation. There’s an easy-going conversation between us and a mutual attraction. All systems seem go. He’s admitted to having had sexual relations with a man more than 5 years ago. He says it was a unique situation, something very special with that man who has since died (and did not have AIDS), and he doesn’t feel that he ever wants or needs to have that again. He’s been with women before that relationship and since and he’s quite comfortable with his sexual choices. We’ve both been tested previously, just as part of regular health checkups, so I feel we’re both serious-minded people about safe sex. I’m fairly certain I know what I’m going to do, but I’m curious what you and your readers would do: Would you have sex with this man? |Age: 40
Probably not, but only because I’m looking for something different and looking to get away from these types of arrangements. But you might be in a different place than me. If everybody tests clean, and you’re sure of what you want, then I wouldn’t let his past experiences bother you. Women experiment all the time and it’s applauded. But men do it and it’s looked down upon.
But this situation raises a question, a delicate question. And it sorts kinda relates to the question above as well as dozens of other questions that get submitted here. (But to clarify..I’m not saying the OP is desperate.)
What I’m, seeing a lot of lately is women and men settling, regressing and lying to themselves. Is it me or has this become more common prevalent in the last few years? Has online dating contributed to this? Social networking sites?
I keep hearing women talk about men that they meet who, pretty clearly to anyone with all their brain cells, are douchebags. Narcissists, game players, emotionally closed off, selfish, self-indulgent. Yet I hear and read women pining for these jerks all the time. I read Twitter accounts where women post updates about how they had random sex with strangers or gave themselves to men (physically, emotionally, both) that clearly didn’t value them.
I read blogs and journals written by men depict the women they date and pathetic and desperate (yet they sleep with them anyway) and seem weirdly proud of having random casual sex without condoms. I was reading one guy’s journal on OKCupid the other day.His entry was about how the girl he was interested in brought “the fat friend” out with her one night. His statements were bad enough. But what was worse were the women leaving comments on his entry flirting with and agreeing with the guy. That’s something you see on blogs, too. The commenters enable and encourage the blogger’s resentment, delusions and self-deception. Why?
And here’s the kicker…I’m not talking single men and women in their twenties. Nope. Thirties and forties.
The thing about social media and all these new found ways to connect – Twitter, Facebook, online dating – they were supposed to make people feel less alone. Yet I think the opposite is going on. I think these mediums are actually making us feel more isolated and dismissed. Or, because of the anonymity factor, we can let loose and be our “true selves.” Is that it? Were we all just keeping this desperate behavior locked up and now it’s finally been let off the chain in cyber space?
I was saying on the private blog the other day how badly I feel whenever I go on to an online dating site. I’m confronted with a reality, not actual reality but a subjective reality, that is really depressing. The disclaimers that men and women put in their profiles (“Please don’t waste my time” “No crazypants, please!” “If you are into hobby XYZ, we probably won’t get along”) , the delusions they perpetuate (45 yr old men unwilling to date women over 35 because they still want kids) , the insecurity they so clearly harbor (the old photos or ones cropped or taken while they hide behind chairs and desks to mask their weight or height).
I don’t know when or how this started. Do you?