Three Questions I Get A Lot


While I’d love to answer every single question I get, sadly, there’s only so much time in the day. But I can at least take a moment to answer the most common questions, as silly as some of them may be, and help the poor souls looking for the answers.

  1. How Can I Tell If He’s Gay?

This is a common question: apparently, there are many women who think gay men lurk in all corners of the globe, in singles bars and workplaces, just waiting for women to ask them out so they can turn them down. Which is weird, since all the gays I know are very nice and open guys who generally tend to just bang dudes instead of chicks. But, hell, maybe I’m just lucky.

The short answer is, you can’t. I’ve known gay men who hunt deer and blow things up for fun, and straight men who smell like lilacs and love showtunes. You’ve got to put yourself out there and, if you’re interested, ask him out. If he’s not into you, whether because he just likes a different type of woman, or because he just likes dudes, if he’s any sort of decent person, he’ll let you down gently.

  1. Am I Too Fat To Date?

No, no you’re not. Yes, regardless of how big you are.

Look, a lot of the Internet is undeniably gross and dedicated to pornography that would make Larry Flynt nauseated, but if there’s one thing the Internet has proven, irrefutably, once and for all, is that no matter what you look like, there is somebody who finds you attractive and wants to get to know you better. Seriously. Everyone. Google it if you don’t believe me, although I’m not responsible for any hysterical blindness, mental blocks, or other problems that may occur. I warned you.

Sure, there are a lot of jerkwads and people who will try to make you feel bad out there, but that’s their problem. If you don’t worry about how you look, it’ll stop being a problem to meeting someone.

  1. Is It OK to Cheat With My Friend/Coworker/Random Stranger I Find Hot?

Somebody who hasn’t been around the block as much as I have might be a bit shocked by how often this one pops up; you’d think people understand that cheating is a bad, painful thing that you shouldn’t do to other people. Haven’t we had thousands of movies and TV shows and talk shows and novels and self-help books and so on and so forth delivering this message that everybody knows it?

Well, yes, but they haven’t done much. If TV could cure infidelity, Philo T. Farnsworth would be the patron saint of monogamy.

People cheat for a variety of reasons: boredom, unhappiness, rage, drunkenness, hormones, crippling emotional pain. A lot of people enabling cheaters, if they’re not totally in the dark, are doing it because of their own problems.

Sorry, can’t validate your decision for you: it was a bad one. Just don’t do it again, Okay?