I’m as romantic as the next person and enjoy the added dimension that some playful pillow talk provides. Nevertheless, there are some things that I’d just as soon not hear in a moment of passion. So in the interest of preserving the mood, here are 10 sweet nothings that you’d better not whisper in my ear:
“You’re very sexy for your age.”
Thanks. I’ve also got a great left hook for my age. Generally speaking, qualifying one’s compliments is a no-no. Suggesting that your partner might need an oxygen break during a session of lovemaking, though, is just beyond the pale.
“The game doesn’t start for another 10 minutes. Whaddya say?”
Nothing like being the pre-game entertainment, I always say. Shall we finish up with “Play ball!”, the national anthem or a dog and a beer? Sorry, no score.
“Honey, are you awake?”
Well, yeah, I am now; and no, I’m not feeling it at the moment. I love spontaneity, but not at 2 AM on a work night, and certainly not right after one of your “I’m naked and stranded in Dunkin’ Donuts with my 3rd Grade English Teacher” dreams.
“You remind me of my ex.”
This one could put a damper on a bonfire. If you’re with someone who’s even still thinking of their ex – especially in this context – then it’s time for you to move on, even if s/he can’t.
“Wanna see my impression of Charlie Sheen?”
Um, no. I’ve got my own impression of ol’ Charlie and it isn’t pretty. If yours includes tiger blood or kitchen utensils, then I’m definitely out of here.
“You look so hot, I’m going to post these pics on Facebook.”
You mean the same Facebook where I share hugs with my grandmother and high school classmates? That Facebook? Well, bonus points for not mentioning Farmville, anyway.
“Let’s try out a few of those positions in my Kama Sutra book.”
How shall I put this, my little lotus flower? No! Call me old-fashioned, but I just don’t think sex should require a Twister mat and a box of Dramamines.
“Who’s your Daddy?”
He’s that gray-haired chap you met at Thanksgiving dinner who thinks I’m nuts for dating you, and he owns a shotgun. So be nice.
“Just can’t wait ’til you reach your Weight Watcher’s goal.”
Really? And, what’s the matter with how I look right now? I guarantee you, that there is no good way for you to get out of this one.
“Smile, you’re on candid camera.”
After you’ve finished putting ice on your black-eye and picking up the pieces from that video camera I just smashed, we’ll discuss this further!
As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” Sometimes you’re better off just to keep your lips together. Pucker up and give me a kiss.