Cope with Affair Obsessing


Upon learning of your spouse’s affair, you’ve suffered enormous, life-altering news. You can and will heal from the damage the affair revelation has caused, but it’s difficult to believe that’s possible right now when you are feeling so traumatized.

You may begin to fear you’re stuck forever with these obsessive affair thoughts.

You’ve been betrayed, and it can cause obsessing about your spouse’s affair so that you feel sick over it. In this blog, I’ll offer you 3 steps to make the obsessing stop so you can reclaim some peace of mind. Read on…

Post-Affair Trauma

You know that military personnel who have seen combat often suffer from post-traumatic stress.

Post-traumatic reactions can occur to different degrees, brought on by various forms of trauma. A shock such as the sudden, unexpected death of a loved one, or witnessing an accident, or even a spouse’s affair can cause what is almost an echo-effect of trauma that lingers long after the initial incident.

For the affair victim, they begin to obsess about the details of their spouse’s betrayal. And what you don’t know as a victim—your imagination will be only too quick to fill in the blanks.

You’ll have thoughts such as: 

The paramour must be better looking than I am.

Maybe the paramour is better in the sack.

My spouse probably prefers the paramour to me.

They probably had a terrific time when they got together.  

In addition, the affair victim may obsessively watch their spouse’s every move, looking for a sign that the cheating is still going on, or that their spouse still has a wandering eye.

It’s only natural to be on high alert after your spouse betrays you. You’re scared it could happen again—and you don’t want to get burned by being caught off guard ever again. The damage was real, the pain is real, and it is going to take time for you to regain some level of trust in your spouse that they won’t do this type of behavior ever again.

Here are three steps to help stop the obsessing:

Step 1: Accept the Normalcy of Your Reaction

Some affair victims feel caught in a loop: they want to be able to manage their emotions, but their emotions get away from them at times, such as when they suddenly hear their old song they had with their spouse or their spouse comes home late from work.

What you are experiencing is normal. Don’t beat yourself up for having a normal, human reaction to being betrayed. You need to be a friend to yourself, now more than ever.

Step 2: Keep Track of the Obsessing Frequency

Over time, obsessing will fade. You may become anxious that it’s not going away and that you’ll be stuck in an obsessive pattern, but if you track the times it occurs and how often, you’ll begin to see a pattern of fading.

Step 3: Keep Track of Intensity

Just as important as fading frequency is fading intensity. In the early days and weeks after learning of your spouse’s betrayal, you will be all but knocked over by the intense thoughts and memories you’ll have.

But, just like obsessing frequency, eventually those intensely acute thoughts will lose their power.

My best to you in healing from the affair and moving past the obsessing stage.

Did your spouse cheat, and you feel stuck in the obsessing stage? 

Are there certain patterns to the obsessing? 

Have you noticed a lessening of the frequency of obsessive thoughts?