For some reason, women ask a lot of questions. I don’t know why exactly, but it seems like at some specific age, little girls are given a book with a bunch of questions to ask their boyfriends and soon-enough husbands to ensure that his head stays spinning at every possible turn. I don’t assume its malicious or even intended to drive us bananas, they just do. There are 5 in particular in that book that all men know too well.
1) What are you thinking about?
You know, until you asked, I was probably thinking about something but at the very moment you asked, my mind went blank. So I’m actually thinking about nothing. But not only nothing. I’m thinking of the concept of nothing, as in, “how can I be thinking about nothing?” But, yep. It’s possible. You know how I know? Because I’m doing it. Unfortunately, telling you that I’m thinking of nothing will not suffice. Even though it’s true.
2) How does this dress make me look?
It makes you look like you have a dress on. Now, most men are visual creatures. You will be able to tell how you look in that dress without us saying anything. Just look in our eyes. If they open very wide, we’re thinking “wow” and “now take it off.” If our eyes stay the same or we quickly return to what we were doing, well you probably don’t look how you hoped. I’m still going to say “great” but it’s probably just to answer your question. By the way, this question is the precursor to…
3) Do I look fat?
If you have to ask, you probably do. Also, never ask a question you don’t really want the answer to. We’re men, we’ll realize you didn’t want the answer AFTER we tell you, at which point we’ll back peddle with tremendous speed. It’s a lose-lose for everybody involved.
4) Why did you do that?
I don’t even know what that means, but I do know that when you say “that” it implies you don’t like something I’m doing. The only problem with that is you expect ME to know what you’re talking about at that moment and answer with some justification. Which would be fine except I’m going to want to say, “because until you came along, this was perfectly normal and acceptable behavior.” Pretty much, I just want to live.
5) Don’t you think we should talk about this?
No. Actually I don’t. But you seem to think that we should which means that we will either talk about it now or later and since I don’t know what I’ll be doing later and wouldn’t want to interrupt that event, let’s just get it out of the way.
Ladies, though we will answer all questions, some we never look forward to. I know you won’t change your life with this information, but just be a little sympathetic to your dude. He’d really rather be watching a game.
