I have a kid. Because of this fact I’ve been watching a lot of Mickey Mouse. And by a lot, I mean my life has become all Mickey all the time. It was painstaking at first, but over time, I’ve come to love my morning Mickey Mouse sing-a-longs with the offspring. Which is why I feel so guilty that I had to murder one of Mickey’s cousins for vermin breaking-and-entering recently.
Here’s the thing, I have no beef with mice. I just don’t want them in my home. I actually view it as disrespect since I pay all the bills but here they come romping around challenging me to catch them. It’s just rude.
But really, I do not like mice. I don’t like catching them. Mice are icky. But alas, I’m the guy, so it’s my job to go all paleolithic on their arses. Which brings me to my point: vermin removal is strictly a guy job and only because we’re guys. Sucks, but hey, double standards exist. And I’m okay with that.
As the Girls’ BFF, I feel it’s my job to make sure that the ladies out there know fully what should be happening when they have a guy. So here are a few other things that guys should be doing, because their guys.
1) Taking out the trash
Young lady, your hands should never have to touch any dumpster, trash compactor, or city-provided garbage can. Those things are filthy. Women are beautiful clean creatures (or at least should be). We’ll take the trash out so that you may live again without the oddly similar stench that plagues all trash areas emanating from your hair. Mostly, because if I smell it in your hair, I will not be kissing you. Yech.
2) Changing the oil on your car
No self-respecting man will let his woman get her own oil changed. And do you know why? Because I’m convinced women don’t even realize you NEED to get your oil changed. I’ve had a girlfriend who LITERALLY hadn’t had her oil changed since she got her car. It just never dawned on her. Me? Every 3,000 miles on the dot pal. So guys should take that burden to make sure its gets done, if only to prevent a side-of-the-road damsel in the distress circumstance.
3) Answer the door at midnight
I have no idea why people think its okay to knock on your door past 10pm (which is still too late in my book) unannounced. But it happens. This is guy time. While I hate being the first line of death in case its a robber – especially considering if I’m dead I can’t save her so she’ll die too, which actually might kill me so I suppose it’s a wash – you can’t put your girl in harms way. This is ManLaw 101. Now if only women believed that you shouldn’t directly put your man in harm’s way.
Anyway, ladies, those are just a few things guys are on the hook for. Got any others?
Speak to me.