15 Reasons Why He Hasn’t Called You Back

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One of the most popular questions I get  is “Why hasn’t he called back?” When it comes to this kind of question, I have total faith in the simplest explanation possible. He hasn’t called or texted you back because he hasn’t picked up the phone. Why hasn’t he picked up the phone? There are a variety of reasons, but the simplest reason is he is currently doing something else that isn’t picking up the phone and calling and/or texting you. What is he currently doing? Well, there’s the rub. And again, when I always choose the most likely answer when confronted with hypothetical queries like “Why hasn’t he called,” or “Do you think he’s thinking about me,” or “Is he really nice or is he an undercover jackrag?”

So he isn’t calling because he’s not using the phone, and he’s not using the phone because his hands are busy doing something else. What could his hands be doing? There are a number of answers to this question, the simplest being: his hands are juggling hard boiled eggs. But the bigger question is: what is the rest of this guy doing, if he’s not calling you? What could he be doing that’s so important he can’t call you? He could be working? Or he could be a thoughtless bastard who hasn’t thought a minute about you since you failed to take it all off on the second date? Or he could be busy with the life he had before he met you? Or he could be passive-aggressively be getting back at his mother who insisted he always call people back like a good boy? But these answers are too logical… too simple…

So here are ten actual reasons he hasn’t called you back.

  1. He fell down a well.
  2. He suffers from spontaneous amnesia, and hasn’t met you yet. Again.
  3. He fell down a rabbit hole, and discovered that his cell phone had transformed into a dancing ladybug.
  4. What? His carrier pigeons haven’t rapped on your windowpane?
  5. He doesn’t get great reception in the Batcave.
  6. His wife, the Goblin Queen, ate his cell phone.
  7. Maybe he doesn’t have time to call you because he’s busy doing something called defusing a nuclear bomb hidden underneath Los Angeles?
  8. He contracted a rare disease that gave him inflated cartoon fingers, which are far too big to use on a cell phone.
  9. Why call you, when he can sneak into your room to watch you sleep?
  10. Every time he Hulks out, he accidentally sits on his cell phone.
  11. In his culture, it’s actually rude to call a woman  back.
  12. Once he figures out which part you talk into and which part you mash your ear against, he’ll call.
  13. He can’t call because the game is on. Somewhere in the world.
  14. Calling back isn’t his style. He prefers showing up where you work dressed like a circus clown.
  15. He’s got a job. And it’s stressful. He’s sorry.

That question is all cleared up.

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