Things You Should Just Keep To Yourself

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One question that we Loveawake contend with often is this concept of need-to-know information. For those wondering, it’s the type of information that you are required to tell your significant other. I see you looking to me for an example. Which is great, because I have one.

An example of need-to-know information would be, “honey, I slept with 3 midgets and 2 guys who I’m pretty sure are from Siberia last night. But it will never happen again. I swear.”

That’s the type of stuff you should be required to give up.

However, there’s alwas a gray area. And because I’m such a nice and benevolent guy, and like to used redundant, reciprocal words in sentences, here’s a list of things that aren’t need to know:

1) Some guy asked you out

Unless you said yes and set a time and date, this isn’t really something worth bringing up over dinner with the boyfriend. We’re dating you and we think you’re hot. We expect you to get hit on. There’s a certain level of willful ignorance that we subscribe to in order to not become jealous overlords.

2) You met some guys with your girls and partied with them (no sex)

All of us have gone out and gotten into some situations that we didn’t expect to transpire. It’s the law of going out. Unless you want me to grill you about every last detail about what you did with these new guy friends of yours, just pretend that you and Becky went out for drinks and then came home and went to sleep.

3) You accidentally killed somebody

Two words: Plausible deniability

4) You kissed a girl (and you liked it)

Unless you intend to do it again and keep it up, just chalk that up as a life experience, come home and have sexxy time with me

5) You kidnapped Mike Tyson’s tiger

Honestly, it’s not that I don’t want to know what you did. It’s more so that I don’t want to die with you. I’m not Romeo and you are not Juliet. I have a job. Just return the damned thing and allow us to go on about our lives. Because see, if you tell me you kidnapped Mike Tyson’s tiger, then that makes me as responsible for its safe return as you, and I probably don’t like you that much. Mmkay, pumpkin?

Anyway, those are some things that you should keep to yourself. What are some others??

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