Did you notice something about The Wolf of Wall Street? Jordan Belfort was a complete douchebag. And he bagged a ton of women. (Also, this wasn’t a fictional movie. This was based on a real person.) So our point is: a lot of women actually like grand gestures of douchebaggery. With that in mind, here are 10 douchey things you should think about adopting for the sake of your sex life.
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Power Suits
Unless you’re an attorney, a hedge fund manager or the coach of Villanova’s men’s basketball team, you probably don’t wear a lot of power suits. But maybe you should. For one thing, you would look good in one. And for another thing, they’re not that expensive anymore. (See: Suitsupply.) And for a third thing, you’d look, like, stronger. Why do you think they’re called power suits?
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Tuxedos
As we’ve already established, a certain type of woman is really attracted to a man in a suit. And by a certain type of woman, we mean “every woman.” And the only thing this type of woman likes more than a man in a suit is a man in a tuxedo. Seriously, women stare at men in tuxedos the way we stare at women in lingerie. Tuxes look kind of ridiculous, but they get attention. Why do you think women love the Oscars?
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Scarves
You might think a scarf is dumb. Too feminine, European, dainty, whatever. But the fact is, women like them. A good scarf is something that gets you noticed in a crowded room, and it gives women something to talk about and maybe even touch… and eventually wear. Plus, scarves actually keep you warm. So they’re way more functional than, say, a tie.
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Ties
Like we just said, ties are pretty pointless. They’re like hood ornaments for people. They serve no purpose. Except… to get you laid. Because women like fancy things and decorations and looking respectable.
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Expensive Dates
We admit, it’s painful to meet a girl for a drink, buy six drinks, get the check and see a bill for $120. It’s even more painful to go out to dinner at a fancy restaurant, order a bottle of wine, order dessert… and be left with a bill for $300. But guess what… women like expensive dates. Patrick Bateman knew this. So should you. Think of it as a bullet you have to bite every now and then to start or maintain a relationship.
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Ordering for Them at Restaurants
It’s a douchebag move. Why are you going to assume you know what she wants and order for her? Let her order for herself. She’s a grown woman. That’s common sense, right? And yet women actually get turned on when you order for them because you’re taking control and it’s powerful and assertive and all that. Which is why Don Draper does it and Megan and Betty and Faye Miller eat it up. So remember this line: “We’ll have two glasses of chianti and two filet mignons.”
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Bottle Service
It may be the stupidest thing ever created. Here, let’s charge you $500 for this $40 bottle of vodka. You know what? Screw this. Don’t do bottle service. But just know that if you did, it would probably make some woman in your life happy.
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Caviar
Women love caviar the way men love Terry Bradshaw. They just do, and they always will. (Love you, Terry!)
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Taking Cabs to Really Close Places
You’re leaving the restaurant, and the bar where you’re meeting friends is four blocks away. You should just walk this, right? Wrong. Hail a cab. Waste some of the world’s energy and some of your hard-earned money. It’s completely ridiculous, but she doesn’t want to walk in those heels, and she likes getting in and out of cabs, so the shorter the cab ride the better.
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Directing Shitty Movies
Complete this sentence: Michael Bay is _______. Did you say: “a douchebag”? Did you say: “a guy who has relations with a lot of beautiful women”? Well, both answers are correct. So if you can, find a way to direct a shitty movie or two. That’ll get you laid a lot. Bonus points for acting like a wuss at CES.
