What’s a Douchebag?

The douchebag has issues. He’s out on the prowl to feed his ego. No matter the game he spits, he’s got a void to fill and it’s important to remember it’s never about you, it’s always about him. He’s got an idea of what the alpha male should be and will never deviate from the path to achieve such status.

Appearance

Here are a few clues that can be spotted from a safe distance:

1. Popped collars: Steer clear of any man that pops his collar. While it can accentuate a toned neck- if beefy necks are your thing- just imagine him doing so in front of a mirror, as he bronzes it. It’s a human peacock feather display, one that he had to go buy at Affliction.
2. Deep Vs: Despite not having actual cleavage, douchebags will feel the need to tease you with their hard earned pecks. If you find this sexy, you have yet to experience a real man. We don’t need to know a man’s stance on removing chest hair.
3. Perfectly spiked hair: They stand in front of the mirror for half an hour to get it just right. Enough said. And no one should aim to resemble a porcupine. A bleeding hand is not my idea of a perfect night. And what happens if we’re dancing and you get crazy with your headbangin’?
4. Ed Hardy: Any man who wears Ed Hardy should be banned from social gatherings.
5. Puka Shell Necklaces: If you see a man wearing a puka shell necklace, run.
6. Tribal Tattoos: As someone with 5 tattoos, I refuse to accept the tribal band. If I see it poking out of your shirt, I turn the other way before you can open your mouth.
7. Belly Button/Ear Piercings: The only time this is okay is if he’s gay, in which case he shouldn’t be trying to get in your panties anyway.
8. Tan: I live in California, I know there are guys who surf and live on the beach. But the orange spray-tan is unacceptable.
9. Muscle T’s: Everywhere.
10. Glasses Indoor: Should never be worn, EVER. If you’re dropping E and your pupils are nickel size, you should be owning the drug trip anyway without feeling the need to hide it. If disco lights hurt your eyes, you should be seeing an optometrist.

Extra Credit: If you happen to see his bedroom and he owns more than 2 colognes, it’s time to reevaluate. You need your signature scent and MAYBE a backup for nights he’s feeling wild and crazy (i.e. the black panther)

Douchebag Behavior

If the attire hasn’t given it away yet or you refuse to accept a lightning fade on the side of his head as a strong indicator of douchebaggery, perhaps these behavioral clues will help

1. Tries to pick you up with an insult: Unfortunately, this usually works (I’ll be writing an article on this VERY soon) But just because women respond to this doesn’t make it ok. He’s out to conquer and doesn’t care how he does it.
2. Tries to pick you up with a compliment: A slight compliment is fine but beware of the “You’re so beautiful, I can’t take my eyes of you” Most men that really find you that attractive have a sincere way of letting you know. Looking you up and down while licking his lips is not it.
3. He’s pushy: Jersey Shore thinks he’s god’s gift to the ladies. If you deny his approach, he’ll think you just don’t understand the package. If refuses to accept rejection, run; it’s either a sign of douchebaggery or abusive behavior.
4. Hand on the neck: When guiding a lady to the bar, a man should barely touch the small of her back to reassure her he’s following behind (she sees the booze, don’t worry) If at any point he puts his hand on your neck he’s trying to establish dominance. This is a douche whose balls dropped a couple of years too late.
5. Personal space invasion: Confident that he has the right to trespass what is commonly known as personal space, the douchebag will cross boundaries to appear more intimate. He’ll invite you to get a drink by breathing into your mouth and showering you with his holy spit.
6. Believes he has a superpower: If a man tries to communicate with you via “glare” he genuinely believes his look is strong enough to hypnotize you and draw you into his grasp. Beware of any man who catches your eye, looks you up and down and licks his lips as his stare intensifies.
7. The hip thrust: Like the fist pump, needs no explanation.
8. The Notch Down Technique: You see him hitting on progressively uglier girls. He’ll go as low as he has to as long as the notch “up” rejects him. He needs to feel wanted and the end result needs to be victory, regardless of the prize.
9. The Beat approach: If he walks towards you to the beat of the music, turn around and run.
10. Name game: Considering dishing out your digits? Ask him what your name is.

If you’re reading this, smell Axe deodorant waiting outside your door and you still answer, you deserve everything you have coming.