Sometimes When You Win, You Really Lose


I don’t know who the first person to say the title quote was, but I know I straight jacked it from the movie, White Men Can’t Jump. The full quote goes like this:  “Sometimes when you win, you really lose, and sometimes when you lose, you really win, and sometimes when you win or lose, you actually tie, and sometimes when you tie, you actually win or lose. Winning or losing is all one organic mechanism, from which one extracts what one needs.

I just want to focus on the sometimes when you win, you really lose part. Creep with me.

One thing I’ve learned about relationships is the concept of competition. Men and women can be EXTREMELY competitive. Especially when it comes to other people encroaching on our territory. It is in the vein of competition that I’d like to venture.

It seems to me that most of men’s competition with other men comes in very short lived spurts. Mostly in the moment. If something happens, we address it then, whether that’s in the comfort of our own homes or in public. Usually it becomes a blowup at the moment that loses steam the further we get from the moment until we can talk about it with you personally to handle the issue. Sure we’ll get into a fistfight with the perpetrator there, but we (well mostly aren’t) going looking for the guy. Your average dude isn’t ready to die for his relationship or just to prove a point. And because we’re men, we’re fairly certain that death is always an option.

Stupidity doesn’t discriminate.

(The following is my perspective. I’m more than happy to be wrong.)

Women on the other hand never really concern themselves with dying at the hands of a competitor. I’ve often felt like because women tended to view themselves as more civil (perhaps rightly so, us men do like to fight things out – though, that CAN ensure a quick victor) the thought of potential harm doesn’t come into the picture so women will lob emotional and psychological grenades at each other. Hell, in many cases, the man that instigated the affair becomes such an afterthought that the two women involved will remain bitter rivals ’til the end.

I’ve seen that happen a few times and it baffled me. Mostly because I witnessed it play out and it completely turned me off from both participants whether I was involved or not. As the women continued the oneupmanship, the guy is generally adivising to cut it out since well, likely, one person has already “won” so to speak. At some point it just becomes about that “b*tch” and who she thinks she is! Granted, this isn’t always the case but I’ve noticed it in more than a few instances, even amongst family members of mine. Somehow the disrespect between women goes to unprecedented levels where they begin a whole separate feud and they don’t even know each other. They ONLY know that they do not like each other but are linked because of some man who may or may not be there for the long haul.

I’ve never really understood what was to be won there. And that goes for men and women. It just seems to me like men will back off at after a certain point or as long as the threat isn’t in our faces. Women (seem to) expend significant energy towards a battle with an unknown enemy just for existing.

Which again, is a total turn off for many men. Just like seeing your man getting into a fight over something stupid and then saying he was doing it for your honor or something.

Yep, sometimes when you win, you lose.

Why do you think some folks just don’t get it? Pride?

What gives?

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Alex Wise served over 5 years as relationship expert helping women from around the world figure out the men in their love lives from an honest, male perspective. Alex is one of the contributors and editors for dating website. He is passionate about thought leadership writing, and regularly contributes to various career, social media, public relations, branding, and online dating communities.