Anyone who tells you that they have never used an interaction with the opposite sex to validate themselves, is lying. Whether or not validation was the only motivation for talking/hooking up with someone, everyone at one point or another has felt better about their life because of attention from a guy or girl. It’s natural.
I, for one, am no stranger to looking to guys for validation. In fact, there was a point in my life where I was so caught up in needing guys, that I really lost who I was. Back when I was 18/19 I was insecure about everything – my looks, my intelligence, my personality. I didn’t know who I was, and I used guys’ level of interest to define me. If a guy wanted to take me home and make out with me, then I must be pretty, funny, and smart, right?
The problem with this plan, was that it often got me into situations I wasn’t comfortable with. When you are making out with someone to feel better about yourself, you aren’t in control. And when you aren’t in control, you are incapable of setting your boundaries. There were more times then I’d like to admit where making out turned into something I wasn’t wanting, but felt powerless to stop. So how does one break this pattern?
I think there are two parts to it.
The first part is building your confidence. Here’s the thing about being insecure, you don’t have to be that way forever. People seem to think that this is some DNA trait you are born with and you are either confident or you aren’t. It’s bullshit. Over the years I have diligently worked to build my confidence. Sometimes that means forcing yourself to act like hot shit even when you don’t feel like it. It’s hard to do, but going through the motions, eventually leads to you believing it’s true.
Other times, building your confidence means doing a true assessment of yourself and knowing your strengths and weaknesses. Am I ever going to be a size 0 again? No, no I am not. But if I sit around and beat myself up about this everyday for the rest of my life, I’ll be miserable. Accept your shortcomings and focus on the positive. For me, that’s my blossoming career, my wit, and my long flowing hair. (Kinda joking about that last part, although if you know me at all, you know I’m really not…)
And finally, sometimes it is about investing in yourselves. Most people’s insecurities are tied in one way or another to the way they look. The good news? This is changeable. Am I saying you should go rush out and get a nose job? Probably not. But sometimes just getting your nails done, your hair cut or buying a new pair of shoes for a night out, can make you feel like a million bucks. It’s ok to take these shortcuts for building confidence from time to time, as long as they are helping you achieve lasting confidence in the long run.
The second step would be to re-assess what you need to feel validated. Do I think it is realistic to tell you to never turn to the opposite sex for validation again? Hell no. But I do think it is fair to ask yourself what type of interaction you need in order to feel validated. Do you need to make out with (or sleep with) a guy/girl to feel validated? Or will you only feel good about yourself if you get said guy/girl’s number and they ask you on a date? What if, instead, you were able to feel validated by just a solid, flirty conversation? You’d probably be feeling pretty good about yourself all the time then, right?
I think, if we start finding validation in the little things (eg. a flirty convo) that’s when we’ve really got life figured out. Just because said guy/girl didn’t take it to the next level, does not mean you are any less, pretty, smart or funny. Maybe they have a significant other. Maybe they are moving in a month. Maybe they are a complete reject in the world of dating. Who knows. But you can still take this experience and use it to fuel your confidence.
Here’s an example for ya:
Last night, I was out at the bars with my friends (pretty much all of whom were in a couple) and feeling a bit less awesome than usual due to the world’s longest dating slump. In an attempt to shake me out of slump hell, my roomie picked out the most attractive guy in the bar and told me to go talk to him. He was pretty darn cute and already talking to another girl, so I figured, fun challenge… I’ll go for it.
I was surprisingly successful in my approach and spent most of the night talking and flirting with him. He was from out of town (and kinda douchey), so I knew he wasn’t going to be asking me on a date, but he was humorous and fun. At the end of the night, he asked me to come back with him and his guy friends to hang out. I won’t lie, I considered it. It’s now been over a month since I’ve made out with anyone and I was really feeling like I could use some “I’ve still got it” validation. And then I had a bit of an epiphany. I had already gotten my validation. When the guy told me I was beautiful, when he stopped talking to the blond chick to give me attention, when he invited me back – all that was enough. I didn’t need to actually go make-out with him. So I politely gave him a hug and turned him down. And that’s when I realized that turning him down was the best validation of all and I gave it to myself. It told me that I truly believe I am better than that, that I deserve better than that, and that even in the midst of a dating slump, I’m just not that desperate. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt better.
Now can I say I’ll never agree to make out with a guy again when I am feeling less than awesome? Nope. I make no such promises. But I do feel empowered by the knowledge that validating myself feels pretty fucking great too. I’m always someone who likes options, so having the option to be less reliant on a guy to make me feel good, pretty much makes my day. Hell, it may even make my week.
