Have you heard? Masculinity is so hot right now. Gone are the days of the aughts, when the popularity of horizontal stripes rendered the streets unsafe for men in the normal BMI range, and any nerdlinger who cried at Pixar movies and knew a font joke could lay a hot babe or 12. Cera was God, and God was good.
But no longer. According to Loveawake survey attractiveness is no longer the provenance of pale young men with legs like samurai swords. Do you hear that, he-waifs? You are on notice! Go revisit Brideshead or something!
Loveawake blog editor Alex Wise explained that when the economy is bad, beefcake futures skyrocket: “Suddenly the notion of having a job or a career is in doubt. So, you fall back on old notions of what it meant to be a man or to look like one.” Stubble! Muscles! Chaw! Winklevi!
Ladies? We know this is a scary time for you. We’re here to help. Please find our list of things you can look forward to during this testicular era … as well as those you may dread. TARZAN YELL!
The Manly Man Replaces the Uber-Waif:
PRO: Boyfriend No Longer Steals Your Pants
CON: Potential Return of Carpenter Jeans
PRO: French Kissing Unmarred by Taste of Diet Mountain Dew
CON: French Kissing Now Marred by Taste of Venison Jerky
PRO: Linguistic and Literal Death of Neologisms Like “Manscaping” and “Metrosexual”
CON: Losing Your Now ‘n Later to a Patch of Unruly Chest Hair
PRO: No Longer Having to Explain the Infield Fly Rule
CON: Fewer Opportunities to Demonstrate Knowledge of the Infield Fly Rule
PRO: Mustaches for Everyone!
CON: Mustaches for Everyone 🙁
PRO: No More Guilty Feeling When You Get a Side of Beef and He’s All “Oh, Just a Caprese Salad for Me”
CON: Sharing Your Wings
PRO: Your Breakfast Nook No Longer Occupied by His Table-Top Role-Playing Parties
CON: Your Breakfast Nook Now Occupied by the Cords of Wood He Spends Hours Compulsively Splitting
PRO: Muscles Lend Viking Sex Fantasies Greater Degree of Realism
CON: Ectomorphs Are Freakishly Good at Skee-Ball. Skeeball Used to Be YOUR Thing.
PRO: A Guy Who Can Carry You When You Are Piss Drunk
CON: A Guy Who Is Less Aerodynamic in Tandem Bike Races
PRO: Not Relying on Deadbolts/”Home Alone”–Style Anti-Rapist Traps to Fend Off Apartment Intruders
CON: We Were Kind of Impressed With Our Rapist Traps
PRO: Men With Strong Jaws
CON: Babies With Strong Jaws Hurt to Give Birth To