What His Gadget Says About Him

What type of phone, camera, or another device a guy has can really say a lot about him. If clothes make the man, then gadgets, uh, well, they’re pretty important too.

Here’s what his gadget says about him.

Gadget: iPhone X

What it says about him: The iPhone guy is a guy who likes options. He likes to be able to make dinner reservations on OpenTable, or find where to park, with the over 85,000 apps. He has all of his email and Facebook contacts in perfect order, yet his bathroom is a horrifying mess. He’s amazed that the iPhone can do things like determine what song he’s listening to at a concert or track airline flights in real time. Occasionally he will be overwhelmed, even a little scared, by the sheer power of the iPhone and wonder if it perhaps comes alive at night and cobbles his shoes like some sort of magical elf. He’s also been known to talk to his iPhone, once referring to it as “Suzy.”

BlackBerry Key2

What it says about him: “Mr. CrackBerry” doesn’t follow the crowd and thinks all those iPhone users are sheep, even though he envys them their far superior apps. He will occasionally use the BlackBerry holster, claiming it is still trendy that Ben Affleck wears it. Except that Affleck can pull it off without looking like a nerdy cowboy.

Moto G6

What it says about him: While this new smartphone has a bevy of cool features, buying it right away with so many other great phones on the market basically says, “I’m really, really into Star Wars.” Consequently, when he gets a wrong number call, he will take great pleasure in saying, “This isn’t the Droid phone you’re looking for.”

Beeper

What it says about him: He’s a little too into holding onto the past, often recalling the days when his pals would “hit him up” on his pager. Might possibly be a low-level pot dealer and/or on-call surgeon. Either that, or a character from The Wire who is trying to make sure the cops can’t trace his calls.

Microsoft Surface Book 2

What it says about him: He’s got an extra $12,000 to blow on a glorified electronic coffee table.

Giant ’80s Mobile Phone

What it says about him: It’s 1987, and his boss need the figures for the Nakatomi merger, so he better finish his three-martini and cocaine lunch and get back to his office on Wall Street pronto.

Bell’s Telephone

What it says about him: He is Alexander Graham Bell, and has just invented the telephone. Now he must hop in a horse and buggy for the two-week journey from Boston to the patent office in Washington, D.C. before someone steals his idea for a newfangled speaking apparatus. Also, he is likely suffering from some sort of old-timey ailment, like scarlet fever or “the vapors.”

Restaurant Pager

What it says about him: He has clearly stolen this from Applebee’s or The Cheesecake Factory, and should really return it.