Some time ago, I wrote a list of 11 things women do that turn a guy off in the sack. I figured it was time to revisit the subject and a few more items to the list. As you read these, keep in mind that they are just as applicable to men as they are to women.
1) Expecting him to do all the work
We don’t mind taking the lead, but work with us, would ya? Like, open your eyes and maybe move your body every now and again. Or, if you like–this is nuts but hear me out–you could actually initiate a position change. Know how they say it takes two to tango? It also takes two to do the horizontal bop.
2) Having the bedroom of a 13-year-old
Not to tell you how to decorate or anything, but we weren’t expecting a Webkinz collection or a shrine to Justin Bieber. Yeah, we know, to each her own. All we’re saying is that it’s hard to get down in a room that looks like the cover of the Justice catalog without thinking of our niece, and we don’t want to think about our niece when we’re trying to get down.
3) Pets in the room
I once had a girlfriend with two diabolical cats who liked to jump up on the bed every time we messed around. These minions of Satan would sit at the end of the bed glaring at me, like I was doing depraved things to their mom (okay, so I was–but it was her idea, I swear.) She would shoo the cats away, but a few minutes later there they were on the bed again, glaring even harder now as they silently plotted my demise. A distraction? Just a little.
4) Jesus in the room
My buddy Ralph (yes, I really know someone named Ralph) was dating a Catholic girl with a crucifix over her bed, which always made him feel guilty (and he wasn’t even Catholic) when they were doing the deed. Then one night during a particularly vigorous rendezvous, the crucifix fell off the wall, bounced off the headboard, and missed Ralph’s noggin by mere centimeters. That was it–he was done. It was like that scene in The Amityville Horror when the voice says, “Get out!”, but instead of a demon, it was Jesus saying, “Get out (of her)!” Duly noted, JC. Ralph never went to her place again.
5) Dirty talk gone awry
The boundaries of good taste prevent me from explaining this one with the detail required to make my point, so I’ll let this clip (18+) do it for me.
Of course, if a guy is really into you, he can overlook just about anything. So, think of these not as hard and fast rules, but suggestions for a better sexual experience. And who doesn’t want that?