The subject of women – who to pursue and who to avoid – has been discussed, fought-over, dissected, and eventually the conclusions are passed-down from generation to generation. What every guys should know are the women you should never consider dating, even remotely seriously. Sure, there are probably thousands of Internet-fueled “lists” of women to avoid. I am assuming the task of compiling a “Top 10” list from my experiences and will try very hard not to regurgitate many of the hack, gender-specific generalizations (see: cat lady). I’m going for originality here.I hope this list helps you identify and avoid the hell-spawn that walk among us. Consider yourself warned. Ten Types Of Women To Avoid
- The “Has‑a‑Boyfriend‑but‑They‑Break‑up‑Once‑a‑Week” type. You know this girl. She dumps Bob, she takes Bob back. An endless cycle. She is in an abusive/unhappy relationship and she is in over her head. Her Ike Turner suitor screws up big time, her friends keep her away from him and succeed in getting her back in regular circulation. And youmeet her at the nightclub, where she’s vamping it up and throwing them down. Looks like an easy hook up! Not so fast, Kemo Sabe. This gal is just plain evil. She is just looking for a quick fix and will subsequently ruin your life. Especially if she develops into our second favorite type…
- The “My-Ex-is-Stalking-Me-Now” type. Locks are changed. Cell phone screening follows. This woman is especially dangerous if the “ex” in question has had any official military training, a penchant for guns or knives, or watches Ultimate Fighting on even a semi-regular basis. I don’t want to admit to how many times I have driven my date back to her home only to hear “Oh crap! {Insert formidable name here} is home. Drop me off down the street please.” Forget her address. Forget her phone number. Hell, forget her name! This can manifest itself into more drama than the series finale of “Friends.” Remember them?
- The “1am-Drunk-Phone-Call” type. Note: there is very little that a person could possibly want to talk meaningfully about at 1am. I know, because I make phone calls at 1am. I think the approved topics are limited to “sex” and “my car is broken down, I need a ride.” 99 percent of the time, her car is peachy. This is certainly not the worst woman in the world, but probably not marriage material, either. You may also include “the 1am knock at the door” type in this category. Again, this generally takes the car issue out of the equation, unless she was having sex with some guy in your neighborhood and her car broke down.
- The Chronic Complainer. Seems to find fault with just about everything, whining almost constantly about every topic on Earth. This is especially true if the topic of her daily bitchsertation is about her job. Like you really (deep down) like your job?!? Come on. And if she bitches about her “ex boyfriend”? Consider that you will very soon be her next ex-boyfriend.
- The Compulsive Crier. Crying, in general, should be limited to semi-serious bodily injuries, family crises, and when the pooch kicks the bucket in “Old Yeller.” Nobody should be crying over spilled milk, saving that for sadder moments, like spilled beer. This woman is readily-identified by puffy red eyes, smeared eye-liner, and an ample supply of tissues in her purse. If you see a woman in this state at the end of the bar or walking out of a Pauly Shore movie, run away.
- The Rubberband, also Known as Bi-polar, type. It is one thing to be moody once a month on a previously determined schedule with an estimated duration of three to five days. That’s biology. It is entirely another thing to have your soul mate buy you an X-Box one day and then club you with it the next. These are the types of girls that you always break up with in public places. Chuck E. Cheese works perfectly. Two hundred and fifty thousand screaming kids can drown out one screaming woman… usually. These women are almost always passionate, but so was that diaper-wearing astro-nut who drove from non-stop from Texas to Florida for a little “alone time” with her cheating flyboy lover.
- The Cling-on type. This is the girl who is on you like a wet blanket from the first date forward and calls you 4 times a day just to say “Hi” and follows it up with 15 text messages with stupid smiley faces. Sure, she intends to be sweet, but when she goes “Stage 5 Clinger” on you? It’s a whole new level of separation anxiety. Litmus Test I: To find out if you are dating this woman, after sex tell her to do your dishes. This will end 98% of all relationships, but at least you’ll know.
- The Ultimatum, or “Do this or I’m Leaving You,” type. A strong woman is one thing. One who slaps ultimatums on you is a whole new classification of a woman to avoid. Ultimatums may work, depending on the situation. Assertive women are a natural and often positive part of female evolution. Litmus Test II: If she insists you stop frequenting strip clubs or the relationship is over, she has a point. Not an Ultimatum Girl. However, if she insists that you can’t meet your buddies at Hooters to watch the game or else you’re sleeping on the sofa when you get back home, then go get yourself a pickle jar and some formaldehyde – you’re gonna need a place to store those testicles of yours for the rest of your life.
- The “Liberated, but You Still Pay for Everything” type. All I ask is that they make a choice. You want me to open doors? Done. You want me to pick up the check? My pleasure. But if she insists on driving the car, then she pays for the gas. It’s the girl who flip-flops on you like John Kerry during election season that will drive you crazy. If Hillary becomes president, will Bubba still drive the remote control?
- The “Time Bomb” type. This woman comes in different shapes and mental states. Tell-tale phrases to come out of her all-too-scary mouth are, “So…when do you want to get married?” and “How many children do you want?” We barely know each other, you think. Often these questions arise when you’re deciding whether or not you want fries or onion rings.
Honorable Mentions
The “I’ve Got a Plan” type. The one who has planned her entire life from beginning to end. “I’ll be married by the time I’m this age, have kids by this age, etc. blah blah blah.” She starts talking like this, you tell her you also have a plan – to leave.
The “Always Pissed-Off” type. Hot as she is, you can just see from across the room that she’s always pissed off, angry, mean to people, especially guys she’s dating. Trust your gut even if she’s shoving her tongue in your mouth. You can still sleep with her, but only once. OK, maybe twice.
I realize that stereotyping is bad. Stereotyping is ignorant and shameful. Ster-eo-typing isn’t quite so bad. Because I, Ster, know that what I’m about to say is, in fact, culled from actual women I have dated and is therefore, not ignorant. I speak the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
Ok, it’s still bad.
But that said, every woman on this list did send my life into ruin, to varying degrees. Yet I press on. I’m still committed to finding that special person, just not so “special” that she rode the short bus to school. However, please allow for this preface:
- All women who are 35 and older and have never been married are seeing a shrink. If not, they should be.
- All men who fail to classify “their gal” into any category only to have it blow up in their face? They deserved it.
- For every psycho, nutburger gal, there are 20-30 men that couldn’t give a rip if she has a nice ass.
Bold statements? Massive generalizations? Yeah, kinda. But my list of 10 types of women that fall into distinct categories is back with he assertions with nothing but rhetoric and misleading statements that only an actively-dating single guy could truly appreciate.
And now to add a new phrase to American culture: “No matter how hot a girl is, somebody out there is tired of her crap!”
