“Make me happy!” This is the mantra of many people in a relationship and it is this mantra that often ends up being the demise or many relationships. Now, people don’t overtly say “Make me happy”, however in many subtle and not so subtle ways this is what they want.
Another person may enhance the happiness and joy that we already have, however another person can never make us happy. If I am not happy with myself than it is unreasonable to ask someone else to make me happy. When I am unhappy with myself and I enter into a new relationship I may have the illusion of happiness. Chemically my brain is producing the feeling of euphoria and it certainly seems that the other person has changed my life and made me happy, however this is only an illusion. This feeling of happiness because of how another person behaves towards us is a thin veneer that can easily be disrupted and often is. When couples are having problems you may even hear people say she/he just doesn’t make me happy any more or I have done everything to make her/him happy and they still seem miserable and I just don’t know what to do.
Where does this type of complaint stem from? It often stems from the beginning of the relationship when one or both people were not happy with themselves and they relied on the other person to do things to make them happy and as the relationship matured they found that the other person was no longer making them feel happy. Is it because the other person changed, maybe, however the reality is that we can’t make each other happy.
Happiness is an internal component, it is not something that we get from the outside, it is not something someone else gives us or something that we can buy. Happiness cannot be found in another nor can we make someone else happy.
Therefore in a relationship the way we feel, the state we are in is our responsibility and not the responsibility of the other person. When the other person does or says something or exhibits some type of behavior that is less than we expect is it fair to say that this person is making us unhappy? Is it fair to expect the other person to always do things to make us happy, of course it isn’t! Is it fair for another person to expect us to always make them happy, of course not! We all know that always trying to make another person happy is exhausting and in the end impossible. Often times when you are in the state of making someone else happy or relying on another person to make you happy you lose touch with your authentic self as you become this other person who’s state of being is based solely on making someone else happy or relying on someone to make you happy.
The end result is almost always the same; we lose ourselves in an illusion of a blissful relationship only to find in the end that we have lost our own true essence to some extent and are truly no happier than we were before we allowed this other person into our life.
The old adage that we must first love our self before we can truly love another is very true. When we love our self and find happiness within than our happiness is not dependent on the thoughts and actions of another person. When we reach this level of self love than a relationship with another person is often the most beautiful thing you can imagine for our state of being is not dictated by the state of being of another.
In a way we become like stained glass, a work of art and beautiful in its own right and enhanced even more by the light of others, however if the light of others should diminish, like the stained glass we are still a beautiful work of art.
Examine your life:
Are you waiting/relying on others to make you happy?
Are you constantly trying to make other people happy?
Remember your state of being, be it misery or happiness is an individual choice and responsibility.