“Girl you will never believe what he did,” how many of us have started our sentences to our girlfriends with this juicy opener? And we all know what follows- the juice, the dirt, the 411- about our man. We feel the need to share what he did that pissed us off that day, often times with no thought about how the words we say may affect our relationships. Truth is, some of us ladies are all too willing to dish on our man when the opportunity presents itself.
What most of us who are quick to jump on the “man-bashing” bandwagon don’t realize is that we are all complaining to the wrong one. Complaining, which is essentially what you are doing, is by nature about something that we can change but have chosen not to, or weren’t willing to make the hard decision to change, so we sit back and complain about it. Think about it, no one complains about gravity. It’s pointless because it just exists and there is nothing that anyone can do to change that. We should learn to replace our complaining with making specific requests to the person we are unhappy with or complaining about. Our girlfriends cannot change what our partners are doing, nor can they make requests to our partners for us, so voicing our frustrations to them is, well-futile.
Now I know that it is nice to be able to have someone to talk to and sometimes venting may be what you feel you need to do, I mean, there is not a soul alive who hasn’t done it, but what are we really accomplishing by doing this. The short answer is nothing. Not a damn thing, and in fact we are being counter-productive when we do this. Every time we open our mouths we are actually speaking negativity and stife into our own relationships. Don’t believe me? Have you ever talked with a girlfriend or close family member about an issue you had in your relationship and had it come back to bite you in the ass? I’ll give you an example: You and your boyfriend get into a fight about him going out with his friends, you may have wanted him to spend the evening with you, or maybe you were just in a pissy mood, and he went out anyway and you were pissed. You then call your friend to vent about how much of an asshole he is, how he would rather spend time with his friends, how you are tired of his shit and him putting you second, etc… weeks later, you have forgotten about the conversation and the fight between you and the boyfriend for that matter. You are on the phone with your girlfriend who you vented to and you mention to her that your boyfriend is going out with his friends-and what does she do? What does she say?- well she reminds you of the night you vented by telling you that you shouldn’t let him do that, or by asking you if that is bothering you, or telling you my favorite line, “you don’t deserve that”.
Now your girlfriend has unintentionally stirred up in you negative thoughts and feelings, and we all know what we think about expands. And there begins the cycle of negativity, it’s that simple really, and we don’t realize how the words spoken by others can affect us, even when they think they are being helpful. So ladies, please refrain from complaining about your man and your relationships, they are both things that you have chosen and both things you can change if you are unsatisfied. Complaining breeds negativity and relationships are hard enough now a days without having the added strife, and you being the one that is adding it. If you are feeling really frustrated with your relationship or partner, then seeking out the advice of a relationship coach or counselor, someone who will be objective, is really the only way to go.