6 Things Your Girlfriend Lies To You About

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Girlfriends love you. We love you even though you think it’s hilarious to fart under the blankets, and say “she’s on the rag” to your friends whenever we’re pissed off at you. We even love you despite the fact that you think a “fun night out” consists of Arby’s Beef and Cheddars and a 10 o’clock showing of Nightmare on Elm Street, where you whisper, “Babe, do you think there’s gonna be tits in this one?” Since we put up with all of your shit all the time, you should forgive us for telling these teeny-weeny little lies every once in a while:

We Actually Understand Football

The Lie: “Baby, how many points do they get when they score a homerun?”

The Truth: “It’s football, not rocket science. Tim Tebow understands the game, and he still draws on his face. I’m asking you to explain it for two reasons: to make you feel important, and to waste your time because you made fun of

American Idol the other night while I was watching it.”

We F*cking HATE Your Favorite T-Shirt

The Lie: “Aw, it’s so cute that you still have your high school JV football team practice t-shirt, and that the sweat stains are actually the majority of the color now, and that sometimes you accidentally put your arm through the third hole on the back of the collar. It’s endearing, and I love that you don’t care how you look in public.”

The Truth: “Sweet merciful God, please strike my boyfriend with lightning just to burn that shirt into a sweat-stained pile of ashes.”

You’re NOT The Best We’ve Ever Had

The Lie: “Oh, yes! YES! This awkward thrusting and your sweat dripping on my face (or lower back) is totally turning me on.  More! MORE! OH, YES!!!

The Truth: “I’m thinking about that one time in college after I went to that bon fire and drank a whole bottle of tequila by myself. What was that guy’s name? Larry? LeBron? I don’t know. Get off of me, will you?”

We’re NOT Cool With You Bailing On Our Dinner Plans to Hang Out With Your Friends

The Lie: “Sure, that’s fine! Have fun!”

The Truth: “Say goodbye to my vagina, Mr. Popular.”

We Think Most of Your Friends are Borderline Retarded

The Lie: “All your friends are so cool! And totally funny, too. I love Jared, your friend who never showers, and Jerum, the one who brings his stupid guitar everywhere, and Jareth, who uses the word “epic” every thirty seconds. But obviously my favorite is your one college buddy who gets pants-shittingly drunk every time he comes to town and feels me up. He’s the best!”

The Truth: Your friends are like you, except they don’t let me boss them around, which makes them completely unbearable.

We’re Actually NOT “A Guy’s Girl”

The Lie: “Fancy dinners? Yuck! Surprise flower boquets? That’s for pussies. I’m a Guy’s Girl. I like sports and video games and pointing out other hot girls on the street because that’s what Guy’s Girls do.”

The Truth: “Sure, I might wear jeans more than dresses, but that doesn’t mean I don’t expect you to be a gentleman. Also, just because we don’t think monthly anniversaries are necessary, that doesn’t mean we count 12 beers and a Street Fighter match at Dave & Buster’s as “a date”. I might think the occasional fart is funny, but that is NOT an invitation for you to take a picture of your huge shit and set it as my desktop image…now please tell me how to change that picture, because I have to use this computer for school.”