One Foot in the Relationship


There’s one heartbreaking additional burden that some victims of affairs are forced to deal with, and that’s when the cheater keeps just one foot in the marriage, and the other is in the extramarital relationship.

What should you do when confronted with this horrible situation, where your partner’s indecisiveness is tearing you apart?

In this blog, we’ll look at what to do with a partner who thinks one foot in the relationship is fun living for the victim… and what the victim’s options are. Please keep reading…

When the Cheater Has His Cake…

You have heard the saying, “you can’t have your cake and eat it, too.”

The idea is that it’s an impossibility: if you eat the cake, you no longer have the cake.

So what does that have to do with a cheater who won’t commit 100% to your marriage and leave the paramour?

Everything. It’s impossible for your marriage to be successful if your partner is carrying on another relationship at the same time.  Not to mention that it is a wound that has no hope of starting to scab over if the pain continues to be inflicted.

Now, the cheater may cry about how conflicted they feel, and how torn, and how difficult this all is… but if this was truly such a painful experience, wouldn’t they remove themselves entirely from the situation and go gather themselves?

When a cheater won’t place both feet on one side or the other, they’re hoping either to continue having their way… both a marriage and a fling… or that somehow the situation will resolve itself.

So, your partner may be looking for a little nudge in the right direction.

Drawing Your Line in the Sand

Your partner could go on in this state of indecisiveness indefinitely.

The question is: can you?

It’s not fair to keep someone in limbo, holding their breath, waiting, waiting, waiting for the other person to make a decision. Sometimes, we need to take matters into our own hands—especially in a situation that isn’t healthy for us.

So what if you helped your partner to make a decision?

Now, a lot of people who have just been gut-punched to find out their partner is having an affair… and continues to do so… are afraid to draw a line in the sand for fear that their partner won’t choose them. This is a valid fear, and the decision is individual to you and your situation.

However, when a person is indecisive and someone is offering them a life-preserver to hold onto, it often prompts that person to grab onto it. In short, they can feel like the decision has been partially made for them, or else it can act like a cold glass of water in the face: it shocks them awake.

Here’s how to draw a line in the sand:

Tip #1: Decide What You Find Acceptable

Is it acceptable to lose the relationship with your cheating partner if they won’t make a decision? Do you fear pushing them too much and negatively affecting the outcome? What can you live with when it comes to your partner’s behavior? Can you tolerate knowing they are still carrying on an affair, despite their marriage vows?

These are questions only you can answer. Some affair victims are financially dependent on the cheater, or have kids to consider, or realize that their partner is going through some sort of insane phase. Others simply can’t tolerate knowing their partner won’t end an affair, and they are ready to accept whatever the outcome is by letting this be known.

Tip #2: Set the Expectation

Some affair victims feel empowered just by the simple act of standing up for themselves and saying what they won’t tolerate. You’re letting your partner know your expectation for their behavior, what’s acceptable and what’s not.

The ball is now in the court of the cheater. They know what they stand to lose, and that you won’t be keeping the home fires burning for them if they won’t recommit themselves to the marriage and repairing the damage they’ve already done. A lot of cheaters find this to be a wake-up call to realize what they stand to lose with you… and how little they have to gain with the paramour.

My best to you in handling a cheating partner’s indecisiveness.

Is your partner doing the “one foot in” routine in your relationship?

Have you drawn a line in the sand and said what you will and won’t tolerate?

In reference to the last question, why or why not?

Please share your thoughts by leaving a comment below.