Why You’re Not Connecting With People – and What To Do About It


Outside of friends and family, people don’t often “get” each other. When two people do connect, they usually end up being friends or lovers – mutual understanding is that rare and valuable.

I blame modern Western society; the constant focus on “me, me, me” makes it hard to connect with other people. But creating those valuable connections isn’t hard – in fact all you need to do is stop talking and start listening.

That’s right: don’t wait for your turn to talk; don’t filter out what other people are saying; don’t feed your ego by talking about yourself constantly. Learn to listen – and become someone everyone wants to be around more often.

The Lost Art of Listening

Western society teaches us not to give a shit about other people. It’s always “me” – what “I’m” doing, how “I” feel, what “I” want. Twitter and Facebook are products tailored for a self-absorbed culture – that’s why they’re so popular.

With so many people trying to be heard, there’s a real deficit of listeners. It’s impossible to connect with a person when both of you want to speak but not listen – and that’s exactly why so many people don’t get each other.

So be a listener. It’s an old ass cliché, but women love good listeners – and so do men. We all want to be understood and appreciated; showing that you care is immensely attractive.

Whether you want to get laid, make a friend or chat to someone, you become irresistible by listening and understanding the other person.

The Key to Connecting? Shutting The Fuck Up

I always have something to talk about – new ideas, new experiences, new happenings. For most of my life, I shared all those things with people I talked to because I thought it’d get them to like me.

Only… that’s not how things work.

You do need to talk your fair share; otherwise, conversations will turn into monologues. But listening to your adventures isn’t what makes people like you – being appreciated does.

So know when to shut up – and when you do, really focus on listening and understanding whoever you’re talking to. Make people feel special by treating what they have to say as important. Nobody else does, so it’s a good way to really become unique to people.

Humility, Seduction and Ego

One of the reasons we all talk so much is the ego. We’re men, after all! We want to be heard, we want to be respected and we want to be agreed with – all the fucking time.

My own self-absorption peaked when I started picking up girls. In my world, I was a seducer and the girls I talked to were “targets”; clearly, what they had to say couldn’t be very important.

In retrospect, this wasn’t just a shitty way for me to think – it turned off dozens of women. Instead of listening and caring, I forced my opinions on them; interrupted all the time; half-listened to things that actually mattered. And no matter what anyone tells you, none of those things are attractive.

I say – forget your ego. You don’t have to be right every time; you don’t have to be heard every time. Let other people express their opinions respectfully, and learn what you can – even if you disagree.

It all sounds a bit yoga and low-fat soy latte, but trust me – this shit will get you so much ass you won’t know what to do with it. (Not to mention lots of friends and respect – but I think we can all agree that sex is what really counts in life).


So there you have it – a guide to connecting with people by shutting the hell up.

Of course, what you say is also important… But most people are better at talking than listening, so why not give my way a try and see what it does for you?