Women Jumping In The Air (For No Reason At All)


Somewhere (right now) a girl is posing for a picture that will find it’s way onto her dating profile. Before the snap of the lens she panics, “Wait! Like stop…and stuff. Not yet, don’t take the picture. I’m like…totally on the ground. This is umm, like, not good enough. I should be in the air, preferably with a bed of daises beneath me. On the count of three I’ll jump in the air and kick my legs and stuff. It will be like really awkward looking, but like, just take the picture ok.”

It takes twelve attempts and 55 minutes, but finally you get the jumping picture you want. You ‘like’ it, and post it on your dating profile.

Do you expect guys to be blown away by your jumping prowess? “Hey, I wasn’t going to write you because you aren’t really my type, but then I saw the picture of you jumping in the air with tulips beneath you in some place that looks like Ireland or South Dakota (but you are probably at your aunt’s house). Wow, that’s amazing. I had no idea you could jump and smile at the same time. Crazy, someone was there with a camera to capture the authentic moment. I think we should go to the carnival soon and get in the Bouncy-Bounce House. My nephew is 4; he can come with us.”

What’s with all the jumping and kicking in the sky ladies? Is there a big demand for female karate experts? Maybe some men need a woman who can kick someone’s face if an altercation breaks out. Your date says, “What did you say about me!? Rachel, baby, show this guy that kick you did in the picture….yes, I know we are in church, but show him. He’s bothering me.”

We had to suffer through the Karate Kid trilogy; we don’t need Karate Woman, and definitely not a sequel. Ladies, if you are trying to date a ninja, I don’t think online dating is the way to go.

With all the jumping and flying in the sky, one would think there would be more female hurdlers in the world. If you ran the 200 meter hurdles in college and had jumping photos on your profile, I get it, but if you are out of shape and can barely fit in the sky I don’t believe you are much of an athlete.

Toyota used to have commercials of people jumping in the sky yelling “TOYOTA!” Maybe women are preparing for upcoming Toyota auditions. I wasn’t aware Toyota is still making this commercial, but what do I know?

Ladies, if you want a man “down to earth”, you have to get your ass there too. Get out of the sky. Are you avoiding a snake? Get back on the ground where you can make a man a sandwich (HELLO!).