Hate Reading Your Ex’s Facebook Wall? Learn How to STOP.

There is no form of self-torture worse than looking at your ex’s wall. You wouldn’t pour salt on your own physical wound, yet you just can’t stop yourself from checking out what other women have posted on his wall. It is a strange sort of obsession: if you are miserable and lonely, you don’t want him to be happy, either. So you’re half-hoping that there’s no action on his wall. However, you also have a sick fascination with the comments he does receive from other women. You can judge these competitors as being not as “fine” as you are, or conversely think that they are better than you, which only supports some negative narrative or story you repeat in your mind to make yourself feel “less than.” It is a bit like rubbernecking at a party or club, where you can’t stop yourself from looking at someone “you can’t have” who’s dancing with someone whose place you wish you inhabited. You know that looking at them only makes you feel worse, so you try to distract yourself, but you’re aware that by trying so hard to do something else, you’re still completely orienting your life around their presence. So then you look at the object of your obsession again, in the hopes that he’s no longer hanging out with her, but when you see he is, you kick yourself.

Of course, you could just not go to any parties that he’s attending, but then you’d have no social life. Likewise, you’re not going to avoid the internet or even just Facebook, just because he’s online. But what are you going to do? De-friend him? If his privacy settings are set so that “friends of friends” or “everyone” can see his wall, then it doesn’t really help – you’ll still be able to see comments on his wall. You can change your News Feed filter so that you don’t see his status updates; at the very least, you’ll be reminded of him less frequently.

But really, it’s a matter of psychology, not technology. “Don’t visit his wall” is easier said than done. What you really need to do is some inner work on your feelings about the end of the relationship, and/or what your ex (emotionally) did for you. Maybe you’re still longing for him, and you haven’t let him go. While you’re grieving the relationship, you’re looking at his wall to still feel connected to him.

How to Avoid Looking at His Wall

Ultimately, self-will is all you have at your disposal. You can probably ad some website-blocking Firefox extension, but you can just as easily disable it. Instead, think of your obsession with your ex as an addiction. The first thing you do when you go to Alcoholics Anonymous is find a sponsor, so find a “buddy” to whom you can be accountable – maybe a close girlfriend who’s often accessible on Facebook chat and via texting. Every time you feel tempted to look at your ex’s wall, message her so that she can talk you out of it. Work with her on developing a list of “things to do other than read his wall”: learn how to stitch, take stupid quizzes, flirt with new guys. Sometimes what you do is less important than the fact that you’ve got someone actively supporting you in getting over your ex.

And if you do look at his wall, don’t beat yourself up. If it appears that he’s moved on and is making new connections with women, then maybe the relationship lasted as long as it needed to. In the same way that Facebook has surpassed MySpace, it’s just a matter of time before you move on to better things.