Believe it or not, some guys like to go shopping; unfortunately, neither of them could be reached for comment.
Most of the time, a shopping hostage will keep himself occupied staring at naked mannequins and looking for the nearest GameStop. Just make sure not to utter any of the following lines, lest your current couple’s shopping list become your last.
10. “Does this make me look fat?”
Hint: No more or less than any of the rest of your clothes. OK, if you didn’t expect this comment to show up on the list, you must be on your first date.
9. “Come on, shopping with me isn’t that bad.”
A-ha! By saying this, you admit that it’s bad.
8. “I’m gonna try this on. Don’t move!”
Yes, sir! Avoid barking commandments like a drill sergeant, and tell us you’d love to know what we think about your selections. You’ll let us know you value our opinion — or at least pretend to.
7. “They never have my size!”
Then why the hell are we here?
6. “No! Don’t look at the size tag!”
Look, if we’ve already seen you naked, we don’t care about what a little snip of fabric inside your clothes says about how you look. Instead of trying to hide the number, why not tell us so we can buy you something nice in the future?
5. “Buy me this.”
… said the 12-year-old before throwing a temper tantrum. Instead, make it blatantly obvious that you dig whatever item you’re referring to. Then, leave it up to us to return to the store and snag it as a surprise.
4. “Here, hold these.”
Thanks for all the bags, really. What’s inside? Clearly, it’s not the common decency associated with treating us like your personal assistant. That must be on the other end of the mall.
3. “Let’s get you a shirt … “
Again, this suggestion is indicative of a control freak. It makes us suspect you didn’t really need to pick up a wedding gift at the mall after all, but that you were trying to lure us here for an ambush makeover. Ego blow! Why not tell us what you think looks good, and let us decide for ourselves.
2. “Ugh. These cashiers are so stupid.”
A girl who complains is a bigger turn off than an EMP blast. We’re sorry that the line of shoppers didn’t part and welcome you to the front like you expected but, considering the fact that one out of every 10 American citizens has held a retail job position, you might be the exact type of customer we used to rag on in the break room.
1. “I’m short on cash and my credit card’s maxed out. Can you spot me?”
It’s not that we mind buying you stuff, it’s that we’re hearing about your irresponsibility, reckless spending and lack of judgment while you’re holding yet another pair of “perfect” jeans