10 Things You Should Never Say to a Redheaded Guy

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Approximately 2 percent of the world’s population has red hair. While that’s nothing compared to the population of red pandas (100 percent ginger, baby), it doesn’t mean your chances of running into a matchstick dude (red on top, pale in the middle) aren’t good.

Dying to find out if all the “two copies of a recessive gene on chromosome 4” myths are true, but you’re not sure how to proceed?

In the interest of helping you play with fire, I, a real live redhead, am offering these ten sacrilegious questions of the Ginger Church that are best left unasked.

10. “Do you dye your hair?”
Do you bleach your moustache?

9. “Can I touch it?”
It’s pointless to answer, because you’re going to anyway.

8. “Do you know Conan O’Brien?”
It’s strictly platonic.

7. “So, does the carpet match the drapes?”
Unless you want to risk hearing, “Actually, it’s a hardwood floor,” don’t ask.

6. “I bet you have a fiery temper.”
If having red hair is an indication of a short fuse, then why haven’t David Caruso, Danny Bonaduce and Axl Rose gone nuts yet? Okay, bad examples.

5. “Did you see that ‘South Park’ episode where Cartman rags on all the ‘ginger kids?'”
Yes, we did. And, yes, we laughed too … After the tears dried on our cheeks.

4. “Mind if I count your freckles?”
Those aren’t freckles. They’re tattoos of freckles. Neat, right?

3. “Do you have to wear sunblock all the time?”
Not all the time — only on days we don’t want cancer!

2. “Can you go out in the sun?”
We’re redheads, not vampires, you moron.

1. “Are you Irish?”
Actually, Ireland’s population is second to Scotland’s in terms of redheads. But we can drink them under the table.

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