How To Get Over A Brutal Breakup In 10 Steps

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Nothing hurts worse than having your heart handed to you by the one you love! Now it’s time to take it back!

This lens is to help those who have recently been crushed, dumped, played or left by their significant other by offering 10 steps to get yourself back on track, get over your ex and live the life you deserve to live. No one said it was easy but these tips can help….

The only 10 Steps you’ll need to move on

Ok so maybe you’ve just been dumped and are sitting at your house or apartment analyzing every nuance of your relationship only to find yourself feeling worse and worse. Your heart hurts and you just want it to stop but no matter how hard you try you just keep running the film over and over again. Let me share something that might help you and is common sense, no amount of analysis or mental energy will change what has been done, in fact analyzing your situation over and over again will likely make things worse. So take a break and read these 10 tips to getting over your ex and moving on. (if your stomach dropped when you read the word moving on don’t worry you’re not hopeless)

1) Look in the Mirror:

This is the only person that you truly have to live with for the rest of your life. Spouses can pass away or unexpectedly leave our lives in one form or another. Yet wherever you are, there you are, or something like that. Let that sink in. You are the only person that you for sure have to put up with for the rest of your life.

So ask yourself this: Do I like what I see? If you don’t its time for a change and the good news is that change occurs whenever you are ready to, you guessed it, CHANGE. Don’t spend this time focusing on your ex, spend the time focusing on yourself, your goals, aspirations and dreams are what really count in the scheme of things. This is a time to reflect on what you want for yourself! An important thing to remember in this step is to put YOUR NEEDS FIRST independent of others needs. I know this sounds selfish but it is even more selfish to sit around pining and whining about your ex, which by the way, makes yourself and everyone else miserable in the process. Its time to DO YOU instead of DOING WHAT YOU THINK EVERYONE ELSE THINKS YOU SHOULD BE DOING. Go out there and get what you want, but take the first step and figure out what you want. (AND NO GETTING YOUR EX BACK IS NOT WHAT YOU REALLY WANT)

2) Don’t Mistake Obsession for Reflection

While it is important to reflect on the past relationship in a constructive manner now is NOT the time for that. In fact instead of reflecting you will more than likely be obsessing which, as we all know, is not a healthy means of coping. If the break up was recent right now you are probably just scrambling for answers or ways to get him/her back, the fact of the matter is, it’s extremely unlikely that you are thinking like a rational adult, in fact you probably more closely resemble a high school drama queen or some sort of Lindsay Lohan esque hot mess.

In the future you can have all the time you want to reflect but chances are by that time you won’t even want to because you’ll be over it.. Signs you are obsessing: Checking your phone every 30 seconds, Facebook Stalking, Real Life Stalking behavior (Driving by their work, house etc.), thinking about how “if only I could have done x or y differently” Don’t waste your time or risk getting yourself in trouble…..

3) Focus on the people that won’t leave you sitting at the bus stop with your heart in your hand

You know who these people are! They’re the ones that try their best to support you and are always there for you; they’re your close family and friends, the very people you’ve probably been neglecting since you got in the relationship. After my messy breakup I started spending more time with family and friends and too be honest it made me feel worlds better. These are the people in your life that you really need to value and never let them take back seat to new relationships. Remember some people may not be so lucky, they may not have friends and family that they can really count on, if you do just consider yourself blessed!

4) Focus on YOU

Too often in relationships, especially after being dumped, we focus on the other person, wondering how to optimize the relationship or make them happy so they will stay with us or so we can get them back…..FORGET all that.

The new and luckier you only has YOU to worry about! What do you want to do? Get in better shape, Run a marathon, Open a business, learn how to shoot a machine gun…the good news is you can do all of those things, the only trouble is you have to get out there and do them.

If you’re spending all day locked in your bedroom watching Saved by the Bell Reruns, lamenting over your ex, chain smoking cigarettes the only person you’re hurting is yourself……STOP

The best advice I ever got after a messy breakup was STOP HURTING YOURSELF!

That’s the truth….someone puts our heart through a blender and we feel like, well we feel like CRAP, to put it bluntly, there is that urge or instinct to just lay over and die…DON’T DO THAT.

Trust me you have worth, you are a human being walking this earth and have been granted existence by whatever heavenly body you choose to believe in, what more do you want? A written invitation to go live your own life? You might be waiting a while.

Get out there and write your own story don’t let others write it for you, oh yea, and remember to make it worth reading!

5) Ask yourself what couldn’t I do in the relationship that I can do now?

The first obvious one is DATE! Now your free to date other people and with around 3.1billion of the opposite sex to choose from I would say your odds are pretty good. You now have the opportunity to go find someone that won’t break your heart!

Or maybe you couldn’t travel to South America or Alaska because your ex didn’t like the heat or the cold. Maybe you always wanted to join the Peace Corps but how could you leave your ex behind? Now you don’t have the problem……Really think about this; there are many ways relationships enrich our lives but there are many ways that they can also limit our lives.

I highly recommend the book No More Mr. Nice Guy it helped me personally get over my breakup and realize where I was going wrong in this relationship as well as many others, its no fix it quick scheme, but it does help you to cope with and face the facts of your relationships while providing helpful, insightful and positive actions to improve going forward!

A couple of books I read that helped me get through and understand the breakup

Books I Read That Helped Me Along The Way
No More Mr. Nice Guy

Lots of People recommended this book to me on Loveshack.org and I was not disappointed.
The book gave me lots of insight on what I was doing wrong and how to improve myself and, most importantly, how to stop getting into toxic relationships.

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder

This was a life saver….
If you’re dating someone you think has borderline personality disorder I would highly recommend checking this out!

6) Avoid False Hope Like the Plague

This is what is going to kill you. Having false hope opens you up to a myriad of sources for your personal torment and pain. If you are a masochist and enjoy pain hang on to hope like its the last chicken nugget in a McDonald-less world!

False hope or even real hope for that matter is dangerous for a few reasons, one of the biggest reasons is that it keeps you in the PAST and hinders your ability to move boldly into the FUTURE.

You must abandon all hope! If your ex is leading you on or making sure you’re still single or available my advice is approach with extreme caution. You may be just setting yourself of for round two of the heartache, I speak from experience here. Two months after she breaks up with me she came back, with a vengeance, and left me again out of the blue, just up and dropped me on my head. That is the most likely outcome of retaining hope, you will get hurt again. Consider what you had as being dead, mourn for a week or two and then get serious with your moving on.

7) No Contact

The most important and hardest piece of advice to follow. I implore you however to follow it and follow it religiously, if you think you need to send you ex a text or call them just to clear the air and get things off your chest you are making a classic mistake and I’ll repeat what was said before Stop Hurting Yourself!

Calling, texting or seeing your ex almost always results in more pain for you and more satisfaction for them, do yourself a favor delete their number, their facebook, twitter, etc. they want you out of their lives, right? Well show them that you fully agree and will oblige by their wishes.
If they want to get in touch with you trust me they will!

*Chances are your ex will contact you in the future. The strange thing is, the more you get over them the more likely they are to contact you, its like a universal law in my dating experience. Whatever you do, if it was messy and you feel like you were shafted, don’t go back, you’re just their backup or their Mr. Right now or worse their security blanket. Its best to avoid all contact and if contact is a must keep it impersonal and at a bare minimum. (chances are this will drive them crazy and potentially try to get you back even more but this is really for your own mental and emotional well being.)

8) Don’t Hold On To Their Crap or Things That Remind You Of The Relationship

Something about a breakup really taps into our creepy, obsessive side, avoid the temptation to hold onto their stuff it’s unhealthy and it keeps you from really moving on. After my breakup it was critical for me to get rid of all of her stuff and the things that reminded me of the relationship, while this didn’t solve all my problems it certainly made me feel better!

I’m not saying you have to throw everything away, what I am saying is it would be wise to box everything up and classify the boxes in two categories 1)Their Stuff (they may want it back in the future) 2) Things that remind you of them

If your dog reminds you of them PLEASE do not box it up and put it in the attic!

9) Change your living Situation

Getting a new house or apartment isn’t always that easy so another option is to change the layout of your pad. I rent a 3 bedroom apartment so the fix was easy, I changed bedrooms and got a roommate! Changing the layout of your place creates a feeling of newness and can be done for free or for very little money. If you need new furniture or wall art check out garage and estate sales for great deals!

Changing the layout of my place helped me out a lot! From experience I can tell you that this is a great action step to take to start the healing process in earnest.

10) Remember these wise words “This Too Shall Pass”

Everyone gets their heart stomped on at one point or another. Don”t let this limit your growth as a person, or become one of those “scared to love” types. Remember the intense sense of loss and grief your experiencing now are only temporary! Don’t let this breakup define you in a negative way, instead let this experience redefine you in a positive light.

You have a lot to offer and someone that’s a good fit for you will complement your positive traits and encourage you to pursue your goals. Don’t settle for being second best or live your life in the endless series of “what if’s” truly life is too short for all that and if you are going to let just one person control your life don’t let it be your ex, let it be you!

Get out there and meet people. go to sites like meetup.com and find exciting new things to try, there really are a ton! Volunteer, go to church, help your cousin study for his math test. Get outside yourself and see what the world has to offer. You are the arbiter of your own destiny.

Warnings:

If you feel like you are suicidal or homicidal seek help immediately

Don’t try to cure clinical problems like depression by yourself, there a lot of people and resources out there that want to help you.

Don’t do this alone! Share your feelings and thoughts with someone you trust and who will listen to you!