“If she says “hi” back, you are off to a good start.”
~Alec Greven (Author of “How to talk to girls”)
So, there is this girl that you fancy. Maybe you like her, maybe you feel like you know her the catch is you have never spoken to her in your life! And, here is the kicker. You want to speak to her, but you have no freaking IDEA what to say to her. You don’t know what to talk about, you don’t know how to get her attracted to you, and you don’t know how to ask her out on a date. No matter where you are in your dating/relating life the art of talking to girls is going to be a life long and valuable skill.
Now, obviously there are certain social skills that everyone could improve on. But first and foremost: state management is the key to having better conversations with women. When you feel better about yourself, when you feel good about who you are, when you are not trying to impress, when you are fully present – then you can truly have an incredibly interaction with a woman and create desire and attraction within her. All of this starts with being able to access a powerful state which is readily available within you once you know how to access it.
Let me ask you a few questions. Have you been able to really engage in a conversation with people (they don’t have to be women), had a good time, and god forbid were actually funny?
Have you ever been in a situation where you felt really comfortable and relaxed in – even though there may have been people around you who felt the complete opposite.
What exactly am I getting at? I’m saying that within each and every one of you is a place where you feel relaxed, cool, and confident. Whether that is playing your favorite video game, kicking ass at a sport you’ve been playing since you were a kid, acing an exam, driving on the race track – all of you have a place within you that makes you feel in many ways on the top of the world, invincible.
It’s not so much that you have to cultivate this state within you. It’s more that you have to remove the barriers in your mind that prevent you from accessing this state wherever and whenever you want.
And, you want to know the great thing? You can train your body and mind to do the things that you want it to do. And, you can do it on a conscious level instead of being subject to flight or fight instincts.
Why do I put so much emphasis on this? Because managing your state and being able to be relaxed, cool, confident, and in some ways invincible around women – will be an instant trigger for her attraction towards you. A woman takes into account a lot of different things when interacting with a man. But a huge component of what she feels is: your presence. This is the energy you emanate, that makes her FEEL something she doesn’t necessarily feel with a lot of other men.
This is why in my previous posts I put a lot of emphasis on who you are “being” rather than what you are “saying” when interacting with a woman.
So, remember this – when you can manage your state (at your command) your chances of succeeding with women will dramatically be increased.
That means that you can control your tone of voice (high or low, fast or slow, controlled or manic); your movements (fast or slow, decisive or indecisive); and therefore your energy level (high or low, calming or exciting). Therefore, in any situation you can choose to react or respond.
Reaction is automatic. Responding is a choice. And, we all like to have more choice and direction over our lives.
So, here is an guide to help you manage your state and some tips which will make your interactions and conversations with women go a lot smoother.
How To Think.
The conversation in your head that is happening about yourself AND how she will respond to you is one of the most important conversations we need to address.
Some people might call this self-talk. Others might call it your self-image. They can both be important. They include the beliefs you have about yourself. It also includes what you say to yourself to maintain those beliefs. Such as, if you think you are boring, and you think about all the times you thought when you were boring – then the idea that you are boring is the belief AND the thinking about all the times you are boring is what maintains that belief.
So, before you even think about starting a conversation with that woman, I would encourage you to think about changing the conversation you are having about yourself.
Here are some ways in which you can do that:
First, sit down and write about who you want to be. And, don’t do this is a half ass way. This is important. It’s not often that people actually sit down and think about creating the person they want to be and the life they want to live. Get honest with yourself and do this.
Next, write down times in your life – actual memories when you were acting, thinking, or feelings in ways that are congruent with how you want to be. So, if you want to be great at talking with women, write down times when you had a conversation with a woman that went well. Need help? ANY conversation with a woman that you enjoyed. The girl at the cash register. A friend at school. Your sister! Keep going until you find at least a few examples!
Then, imagine yourself being the person you want to be. How would it feel? Focus on in that feeling and practice it 5 times a day. Get good at feeling it. Women are very sensitive to other people’s feelings. If you are around a woman and you feel very strong and confident, she will likely sense that.
What To Do.
A great way to boost your conversation skills is to get some practice in. When people are in rapport naturally, they begin to echo each others’ body language. This is the art of non verbal conversation. It’s a conversation of body language. For example, they might stand the same way. They might scratch their faces at the same time. And, so forth.
One thing you can do to utilize this is to match her facial expressions. If she raises her eyebrows, raise yours slightly. If she squints, squint a little yourself. Her arm movements. For example, if she reaches up to scratch her shoulder, you could reach up and scratch your shoulder. Another great thing do is the mirror the rate at which she is breathing. You could also position yourself in the way that she is standing.
Now remember, all this is done before you even speak with her. So, for example, if she is a cashier and you ware waiting in line. Pay attention to how she moves and stands and gestures. Do some of those movements. Stand similar to how she is. Gesture in about the same way she does. AND do all of this as you are waiting your turn in line BEFORE you speak to her. Then, when you are there getting your items rung up by her, start talking.
Why all the nonverbal action before you talk to her? In theory, you are building rapport with her before you even speak! Therefore, the conversation should feel more comfortable to both of you. And, yes – I know guys who have used this and they report FABULOUS results at getting easy conversation with women.
What To Say.
First, if you can notice something about her, you can ASK her about it or compliment her on it. For example, if you notice she has a tattoo of a dolphin on her arm, you could ask what inspired her to get a dolphin tattoo. You could ask her if it is to remind her of an experience. You could ask her if she can swim as well as a dolphin. You could ask her if she designed the tattoo and then compliment her on design if you sincerely like it. You could tell her that you like her choice of a dolphin because they are intelligent animals.
I will warn you about using compliments in excess. They need to be sincere, and work best when it’s one something that the woman wouldn’t usually be complemented on. Unoriginal compliments that are used in excess come across as approval seeking and needy, which don’t leave a good impression with the woman you are communicating with.
Other things you could do include making a comment about someone in the store or the environment. “I saw some guy buy one of those 10 meter high artificial trees. I don’t know how he is going to fit it on to his bicycle! And besides, how many recycled toothbrushes gave their lives to make that tree anyways?”
I believe one of the easiest ways to connect with someone to ask refer to something in your current environment that is interesting, funny, odd, or humorous. Sometimes when I want to have some fun I say and do things that go against the norm of how people usually respond. For example:
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: I’m doing great. You on the other hand look like you are bored out of your mind! *smile*
Are you at least allowed to Facebook on your I-phone when it gets quiet?
Usually this will get a laugh, break their state, and you can continue the conversation from there. Keep in mind I’m not always going to say this same line. I make it up on the spot. And, here is the thing: when you are in a relaxed, calm, and confident state it’s infinitely easier to converse and communicate in ways which are humorous, smart, intelligent, and witty.
So with that said, remember the most important thing is being able to manage your state. It’s important to reflect, relive, and constantly retrieve memories which make you feel confident and on top of the world. Combined with conditioning yourself to be able to trigger this state at times when you need them will be a very valuable skill. All of you have the ability to have incredible conversations with women and all of you have the ability to truly connect with another human being. And, don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.