“Does this woman want to have sex with me?”
You need to know the answer to this before you invest or commit anything to a woman. And the answer needs to be an unqualified “Yes”. The current state of relationships is such that the only ones which really seem to thrive and succeed are those in which the woman is very sexually attracted to the man.
Let’s break this down.
1. “Does this woman”
Obviously, we’re talking about this particular woman’s attraction level to you. We are not talking about your overall attractiveness to women in general. The distinction is important, because most men aren’t attractive to most women. Thus, it’s likely that you aren’t attractive to most women; but there is a subset of women who will be attracted to you. So the inquiry has to be specific to a particular woman.
2. “Want to have sex”
This is about sexual attraction from her to you. This is an essential ingredient. Sexual attraction MUST be present. She must WANT to have sex with you. She cannot simply be “willing” to have sex with you. It has to be a want. She must desire you sexually.
It’s not sufficient that she believes you’ll be a good dad to her kids or a good provider for her. It’s not nearly enough that she likes you personally, or thinks you’re interesting, or enjoys hanging out with you. It isn’t sufficient even that she is willing to have sex with you in exchange for your exclusivity.
There are many different reasons a woman offers sex, only one of which is pure desire. Others include validation, attention, bragging rights, rebounding, and husband/commitment seeking from men to whom she otherwise wouldn’t give any attention. What is required is her sexual desire for you. And you cannot negotiate for that desire. And you cannot create it from nothing. She either desires you, or she doesn’t. You either arouse her sexual desires, or you don’t.
And it isn’t sufficient that she wants a relationship with you, wants to be your girlfriend, or likes your company. It isn’t sufficient that she selected you to “couple” with. What is missing here is the sexual component, and if it is absent, then you must withhold commitment and investment.
3. “With me”
If you personally are not the object of her sexual desire, then it won’t work. Don’t offer commitment if she simply wants sex (there are a few women like this). Commitment won’t work if she is with you only because you’re a substitute for a man she cannot have. Commitment won’t work if she sees you as merely the catalyst for something else, be it her personal validation, her penance for past decisions, or her dreams of marriage and stay-at-home motherhood.
Her desire must be directed toward you as an individual. Don’t commit if you’re just a toy. Cut her loose if you’re a consolation prize. And get out as fast as you can if it’s clear you’re only a vehicle to realize her goals and plans, instead of your goals and plans.
Keep these in mind as you venture forth.
