Men don’t need to be complimented. Does the mountain need to know it is majestic? Does the bear wait to be called “fearsome?” Rambo doesn’t want a parade or metals or salutes from his superior officers. He just wants to rescue the good guys, kill the bad guys, and return to chopping wood. Rambo doesn’t need to be slapped on the back and told “Good job ripping that guys head off.”
Not that all guys are invulnerable to nice words. We’ve just been raised to compliment the women in our lives. This has been passed down through the generations — sincerely compliment the women who put up with your smelly monkey ass. Without them, the world has no color, no music, no point. And it’s easy to do,. Women are pretty. Like, really, really pretty. We compliment because we’re thankful you exist. You really do look gorgeous in that little black dress. These cupcakes taste like every birthday in the world. Your smile is full of stars.
Maybe dudes would take compliments better is they weren’t called “compliments.” Maybe if they were called “mission-critical observations,” or “actionable intelligence,” or “man points.” Normally, a man being complimented acts like a dog being stabbed at by a torch. But that’s just because we are not genetically capable of blushing. We just squish our face in an attempt to close it down, like a storefront after business hours. But the thing is, we do like to hear it when you’re proud, or thankful, or just want us to know that you think we’re awesome.
Normally, I’d just suggest keeping large chunks of beef jerky or beer cans handy to feed us when we’ve done well. But in case such positive reinforcement isn’t practical, here are 20 compliments your man won’t mind hearing.
- “You’re sexier than Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And you will have your vengeance, in this life or the next, hopefully in bed.”
- “Is there any jar you can’t open?”
- “You’re the bestest beer can shotgunner of all time.”
- “You’re way hotter than your Facebook picture. And your Facebook picture made me purr.”
- “I know you’re going to be the world’s first DJ/Mixologist/iPhone Ap Developer, but you’d still be a pretty cool dad. One day. Far from now.”
- “You could do in 15, what it takes Jack Bauer 24 hours to do.”
- “You smell like a lumberjack who just beat the crap out of a log.”
- “Are you sure you weren’t adopted? If I didn’t know any better, I’d say your dad was Iron Man and your mother Black Widow.”
- “You can fix anything. The remote, cell phones, my pants.”
- “What are you, a centaur?”
- “These are the greatest Sloppy Joes I have ever tasted in my life.”
- “Watchmen. Y: The Last Man. Astonishing X-men. I love a well read man.”
- “You could be a NASCAR driver, absolutely.”
- “You’re my nightlight.”
- “I think that off-salmon button down shirt is sexy. And so do all of my hot friends.”
- “Xbox is a sport and you’re my champion.”
- “Do you have a permit? Because those guns are loaded.”
- “Your kisses taste like steak and whisky.”
- “That orgasm just made me scream in Latin. I don’t even know Latin.”
- “When you snore, you sound like a giant Gummi Bear.”