With all eyes on the World Cup these days, we got to talking. No, not about the shape of the new, specially designed Adidas ball, but about the dudes themselves. In fact, two out of three of us quickly declared soccer players the hottest athletes on Earth. (Please see: the American team’s Oguchi Onyewu, at left. U-S-A! U-S-A!)
But that started a sorta-serious debate: What about swimmers (those shoulders)? Or curlers — they’re kinda cute! We quickly dismissed bikers on two counts: 1) scrawny 2) impotent (though we kind of think Lance Armstrong is a butherface.) Gymnasts? “They’re like weird equilateral triangles,” pronounced Erin. And as Julieanne put it, “I attended the Olympics in Atlanta, and I met a bunch of handballers. They were hot, but it might have just been because they were Brazilian.”
Too true: How to tease out the innate hotness of the sport from the players’ country of origin? (In other words, would you absolutely do a Serbian handballer, no questions asked?)
Anyway, tangent. We got down to work, making our picks of the top 10 hottest athletic types, including the pros and cons of dating/doing each. Now, you tell us, who would you most like to medal with?
Pros: Brave, brawny, macho. Know just what to do with a stick.
Cons: As evidenced by this year’s Stanley Cup, prone to fisticuffs and missing teeth.
Do-able Member: The toothless wonder, Stanley Cup–nabbing ginger, Duncan Keith.
Pros: Have nice chunky bodies. Spring training in warm places.
Cons: Unfortunate affinity for bad facial hair and hemp jewelry. Prone to pot bellies and bubble butts.
Do-able Member: Cleveland Native Americans Indians’ Grady Sizemore, whose female fans are often seen sporting pink “Mrs. Sizemore” baby tees.
Pros: Beefy. Hot. With broad shoulders and Barbie-esque waists.
Cons: Too creaky to be good in bed? “Hi, I’m 33, and I have arthritis.” Like to slap each other on the ass a little too much.
Do-able Members: The baby-faced, off-the-market Ma
Pros: Tall. Lithe. With long agile fingers.
Cons: Like asking for a disease.
Do-able Member: Cleveland Cavalier LeBron James. “But maybe that’s because he’s our Jesus,” gushes one smitten Cleveland native.
Pros: Just. Not. Hot. Actually.
Cons: Wear pleated khakis. Shop at pro shops. Fond of plaid … pants.
Do-able Member: We had to go all the way Down Under to dig up this one, but just look at Aussie Adam Scott.
Pros: Cute, kempt, nice hair.
Cons: There’s just something prissy about a guy who wears all white.
Do-able Member: If you can get past the ego issues, Rafael Nadal.
Pros: Can best anyone in a bar fight. Between the sheets, no position is out of reach.
Cons: Broken noses. Bad tats. Likely to die a violent death.
Do-able member: Forrest Griffin. Hot AND dorky. (He wrote a book!)
Pros: Fine. Refined. Excellent accessorizers.
Do-able Member: Evan Lysacek, who swears he wants a girlfriend.
Pros: Muscular, chiseled, with shoulders wider than a Redwood.
Cons: Less body hair than a Chinese Crested. And who wants a dude who’s smoother than you?
Do-able Member: Ryan Lochte. Hairless or not.
Pros: Lean, virile, with admirable endurance = all-around hot. Except for Beckham. Sex with Posh is just gross.
Cons: Tend to be obsessed with soccer. Narcissistic, as evidenced by their look-at-me hair. The fact that you’d most likely have to relocate to Europe or Latin America.
Do-able Member: The entire Italian team.