24 Things No Guy Wants To Hear In Bed. Ever.

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There are times in life when you have to be very careful what you say.

In court, for example, or talking to your boyfriend’s mother. Ordering dinner at a Vietnamese restaurant. When a cop pulls you over and asks, “Do you know why I stopped you?” When your 9-year-old sister wants to know what a blow job is. And, perhaps most importantly of all, in bed.

Going to bed with someone is big fun, absolutely, but it’s also like crossing a minefield: one wrong move and it’s over. In a hurry. And it’s not pretty.

So the next time you’re in the sack with a guy and you don’t want it to end tragically, avoid saying any of these things, or anything that sounds even remotely like these things.

1. Is it in yet?

2. What’s that smell?

3. Shh! I think my dad’s awake.

4. Ouch.

5. Let’s get this over with, shall we?

6. Don’t worry, that’s just poison ivy.

7. No, no, it’s cute!

8. Have you ever done this before?

9. You’re gonna LOVE my new strap-on.

10. You know you can shave those, right?

11. If you hear a car pull up in the driveway, get under the bed, fast.

12. You really should see a doctor about that.

13. It’s fine, I’m used to little ones. My ex’s was even smaller than yours.

14. What did you eat for lunch?

15. We need to hurry. The kids get home at 3:15.

16. Is it supposed to be that color?

17. Wrong hole!

18. Oh, Daddy! Baby like!

19. It’s okay, really. It happens to everybody.

20. Let us pray…

21. Well, that was different.

22. Are you close?

23. Don’t worry, it’s never great the first time.

24. Eww.

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