Being an amazing lover requires skill and the right attitude. When I think of hot sex, I think of the awesome scene in The Notebook when Ryan Gosling passionately makes love to Rachel McAdams. First they lock lips in the rain, he carries her in the house, pushes her up against the wall and they undress as he carries her up the stairs… Damn, he’s strong. Then there was the gorgeous Frenchman (Oliver Martinez) who gives Diane Lane the orgasm of her life in Unfaithful-remember when just his lips made her stomach quiver? Those kind of sex scenes turn me on far more than any porno I’ve watched. Why? Because it isn’t so much about what they did, it was how they did it.
We all want and deserve, hot movie sex. What qualities do these hot movie stars, or any real life sexual masters have that make them toe-curling, spark-flying, orgasm-inducing lovers? I’ll tell you their secrets and teach you how to be a strong, passionate, sexy, mind-blowing partner in bed, too.
If you know you have the skills to make your partner squeal, scream, and feel orgasmic bliss, your confidence will make you an amazing lover. Owning it is sexy and a huge turn-on. Don’t be the guy who has to ask every time you switch positions, “Does that feel good?”. When you’re going down on your man don’t ask, “Do you like it when I use my hands?”. There’s a time and place for talking about what you want, but no one wants their sexy vibes interrupted with too many questions.
Last year I dated Mr. Boring. He earned that nickname because he was incapable of expressing any desire. I could walk past him in lingerie and he wouldn’t even flinch! I literally stood in front of him in sexy boy shorts and a cute bra and he didn’t even try to touch me, let alone have sex with me. He never attempted morning sex, or to even have a mini make-out session on the couch, and I’m a hot babe. He would say, “You look nice today”, but never in an I-can’t-wait-to-do-you-later sort of way.
It wasn’t so much that I felt unattractive, but I did feel undesired. That is not how your boyfriend or girlfriend should make you feel. Being able to express your desire for your partner is key to your success in the bedroom and beyond. Tell your wife how sexy her back is, or your husband that his butt in those new jeans make you want to stare a little longer while he walks away. Being passionate means being emotionally open. Don’t be afraid to share your feelings and your desires if you want to be the lover of your partner’s dreams.
3. Communication Skills
Communication is all about talking and listening, not just with your words, but your body. The best lover I ever had was Mr. Amazing (trust me, he earned that name). He knew that if he pulled me on top of him and did that “thing” with his hands, I’d orgasm in a matter of moments. He could translate every moan into “Do this more” or “That feels good, but move on.”
Why was he so good? He paid attention to details and was open to talking about what we both liked. I knew I could say things like, “Grab my ass harder,” or “Spank me,” and he would respond positively. Discussing what you like, incorporating a little dirty talk, and being able to say “Please be a little gentler with that finger”, shows your investment in you and your partner’s intimate success. It requires paying attention to cues, learning where they like to be touched, and what makes them scream.
4. Desire to Give and Receive
Taking the selfless approach in bed gives you major bonus points. For example, let me tell you about Mr. Selfish. He would get me all turned on with amazing foreplay throughout the day with sensual, passionate kisses or he’d tease me with his hand on my leg while we were watching a movie, but once the clothes came off, he turned into Mr. Selfish. He would get on top and come within two minutes and if I didn’t manage to climax in that one position, forget it. I was doomed. No one wants a lover who’s going to leave them orgasm-less at the end of the night.
By the same token it’s equally as important to enjoy receiving pleasure. It was incredibly dissatisfying to feel like nothing I did turned Mr. Boring on, even if that wasn’t true. I wanted to see him get all hot and bothered by my lingerie, or for him to wake me up at 6am just to have sex, but it never crossed his mind. It’s a turn-on to see your lover’s eyes follow you across a room, or roll in the back of their head when you ride them into pure bliss. That’s why it is equally important to have both the desire to give and receive.
5. Creativity and Being Open to Trying New Things
Have you ever been to a sex store with your partner? Do you read the Kama Sutra together over dessert? Do it! A little creativity can go a long way. Mr. Experimental (another ex) and I went to a sex store and looked around at everything together- just for fun. After scoping out the goodies together, we decided to play a game: we took turns waiting in the car for the other person to buy something we each felt the other would enjoy. He came home with a feather and some handcuffs and I bought some tingly mouth mints and edible underwear. It was fun, didn’t cost a lot of money, and after being with him for two years it was a great way to spice things up a little. A great lover is open to trying new things to please their partner. Talking about what you like is the first step, experimenting comes next. You could discover some juicy common interests along the way!
6. Humility and Playfulness
Sex is a little awkward and messy at times. Between the condoms that are a challenge to put on, the bodily fluids, the (often embarrassing) noises our bodies make, it’s a little intimidating-but it’s all normal. The most embarrassing thing that ever happened to me was getting my period early and bleeding all over a guy without realizing it because it was dark. Another time a guy farted right in my face after climaxing from a blow job. Talk about awkward! Despite the insane embarrassment, we were able to laugh it off. It happens (“it” being all kinds of crazy things). A lover who can laugh about it, and be a little playful, is awesome.
7. A Serious Side
It’s always fun to joke around, laugh, giggle, and tease each other, but it’s also important to know when to be serious. A skillful lover will look deeply into their partner’s eyes, enjoy sex as a sensual experience, take their time, and fully indulge in the moment. Remember in Unfaithful when the sexy Frenchman slowly unhooks her bra and blows on her stomach, sending her entire body into a state of quivering bliss? Yes, we all want it—the hands, the lips, the attention to detail, the effort that takes it from just sex to amazing passionate intimacy. That’s the moment which, if accomplished, makes you a great lover.
Only having sex on Wednesday’s and Saturday’s is a routine that’s easy to get into. Another one is the she-gets-on-top-and-has-her-moment, then he-gets-on-top-and-finishes pattern. Scheduled sex is often necessary, but boring is not. Once I surprised Mr. Amazing in the kitchen when he came home from work wearing nothing but an apron. He always said that was the best meal I ever made him. Keeping it interesting and fun shows you value intimacy in your relationship, and if you make it a priority, you’re a super-star lover. Take the opportunity when you see one, be it by pushing her against the dryer after she throws in a load of laundry, or when you see him getting ready to hop in the shower. Being unpredictable keeps it exciting and fun, and being willing to do so makes you an incredible lover.
9. Take Time and Enjoy It
Think back to The Notebook’s hot sex scene. Most of what they show is foreplay leading up to intercourse, not the actual act. Between a sexy kiss in the rain, carrying her upstairs, taking off her panty hose and kissing her legs, it was obvious Ryan Gosling knew what he was doing. A skilled partner knows not to rush the moment, to take their time, enjoy the foreplay, and let the orgasm progress naturally. It’s also important to put energy into the experience. Don’t just lie there and do nothing like Mr. Boring. Being awesome means being fully engaged and enthusiastic.
10. Be Open to Direction
I am a strong, confident, and independent woman. That doesn’t mean I don’t want a lover to take a little control in the bedroom, or even tell me what to do. I don’t mind if you tell me to slow down, lick harder, put my finger where you want it, stay still, etc. Being willing to take direction means I’m more likely to let you take me out for a ride.
11. Be Resourceful
If you want to blow someone’s mind and body, the most important thing you can be is resourceful. Everyone comes to the bedroom with a different set of skills. This means use everything you’ve been blessed with (and more) to please your partner: your hands, your lips, your handcuffs, porn videos, cameras, whatever you can think of to keep it new and enjoyable. Have you ever tried taking pictures during foreplay? It’s so fun! The possibilities are endless.
Now you know the 11 qualities that I think all great lovers have and do. Have I left anything out? Comment below with your own tips that make you a rock-star in the bedroom. I’d love to hear your pleasurable secrets.