Relationships require work, we all know that, but maintaining them in healthy ways remains a struggle for so many of us. It’s a sad fact that the occurrences of affairs (on both the men and women’s parts) are on the rise. When we cheat it doesn’t mean we don’t still love the person we’re in a relationship with, cheating isn’t just about sex, and if your partner cheats it is not your fault.
That said, when you make your relationship a priority, you strengthen it and hopefully lessen the chances that you, or your partner, feel the need to step outside the relationship for any reason.
So if you’re feeling like your relationship is stagnant, missing that spark, or you see your man slipping away, make sure you spend a little more time focusing on the following relationship tips.
Relationship Tips from a Former Mistress
Let Your Hair Down
I’m not talking about how you look, I’m telling you to have a little fun! Remember how fun you were when you first started dating–before reality settled into your relationship and it became another item on your to do list? Be that girl again, not just for him, but for yourself too. You owe it to yourself to bring the joy back into your life and your relationship.
Try new food, music and shows but more than that…be happy. Don’t waste all your time with your man being grumpy. Smile, love life and I promise he’ll love being around you! When you are the best version of yourself you are irresistible.
Pay Attention to Him
When you are with him he needs to feel like a priority-not the laundry, not the kids, not the dog…him. I know this is easier said than done, but do your best to actively listen to him and ask questions about his work and interests. Make sure that he knows you find him just as interesting, dynamic, and enthralling today as you did the day you met. You want him to make you feel the same, don’t you?
Be a Safe Place
Be a judgment free zone. If you’re storing everything he says to use as ammunition in an argument later, then you’re doing it all wrong. You’re supposed to be the rock in the storm, the salve on his wounds, and the one he can trust with anything. So when he needs to share something, be there. When he’s nervous about something, be supportive. I’ve heard women tell their man to ‘grow a pair’ when they share concerns and I promise you, that’s not what he needs to hear. Be that safe space for them.
Be His Fantasy
You cannot be his fantasy if you don’t know what his fantasy is. I can’t tell you how many men I’ve talked to that have told me their girlfriend/wife never bothered to ask what his fantasy was. Or worse, they tried talking to their lady about their fantasy only to be called gross and shamed. You are shooting yourselves in the foot, women! You want your man in your bed and your bed only, then you have to stop making sex, fantasies, and sexual interests dirty or shameful for him. This goes with that whole safe place point, be a safe place to share sexual interests.
Note: this does not mean that you have to participate in every fantasy he says he’s interested in! You need to feel safe and comfortable in sexual situations, but not shaming him for them is a must.
Stop Rejecting Him
You say no a few times to sex and suddenly he stops asking and you don’t even notice it for a while. It happens to a lot of us. Chrystal recently wrote a piece telling you why you should have sex every day, and while I’m not saying you have to do that, I am telling you to stop turning him down so much. And, for the love of god, initiate sex now and then. You’re a grown ass woman not some high school girl afraid to make the first move. He’s your man…go ravage him! He’ll love knowing you can’t keep your hands off him.
Build Him Up
It can be easy to forget that men need encouragement and ego stroking, but they do. This doesn’t mean you lie to him and make up reasons for praise, but you definitely praise him for what he does for you. Compliment him, thank him, make him feel like he’s needed and valued. Nobody does it quite as well as he does and you let him know. A well placed “What would I do without you, babe?” will have him smiling for hours.
It’s easy to ignore your partner when there are dishes to do, work to do, shows to watch, or laundry to do (the list goes on and on). When they feel unwanted and ignored it’s easy to see why they may start looking elsewhere. Instead be happy to see him, greet him, put the phone away, cuddle with him without checking email, talk to him and enjoy every minute with him. When is the last time you treated your man as if every minute with him was a gift?
Get a Life
One of the biggest misconceptions about mistresses is that they are chosen for sex, beauty, etc. Most mistresses are friends, co-workers or women chosen for their dynamic selves. Why? Because confident and successful women are engaging and men are drawn to that glow. A man who knows his woman is choosing to be with him, giving him undivided attention, and fucking him when she could be doing a thousand other things is a high he can’t resist. So get a life, get a hobby, have friends you go out with…have a life outside of him and then gift him with that attention. It will make your time that much more valuable and you that much more irresistible.
Of all the things I say, the most obvious one is the one that most women get upset about…
I’m not saying that you need to hit the gym, wear stilettos grocery shopping or invest in lacy underwear, but I am saying to look good for him. When you first started dating chances are you weren’t showing up in yoga pants and a ponytail every time, so dress up for him a little. Put a little effort into wowing him and reminding him just how lucky he is to have you. And not just for him either; look good for yourself. We all feel a little sexier when we know we look good. When you’re more confident he’s more turned on–I promise.
It is so easy to slip into complacency with your relationship, and it’s just when you start taking it for granted that you have reason to worry. There is no taking a relationship for granted. Your partner, that person you love, should not be taken for granted. If you take this advice I can’t promise they still won’t stray, but I can tell you that I believe they’ll be less likely to. And if they do, you can be secure in kicking their no-good ass to the curb because you know you did work to make the relationship work.