Crap, I Fell in Love (Confession of a Former Mistress)

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Love is a tricky little devil in the best and worst of ways. It sneaks up on you when you least expect it and sometimes when you least want it. I didn’t start my relationships with married men thinking I would fall in love. In fact, I was sure that I wouldn’t. I bet you didn’t see the fall coming either.

Maybe you haven’t been a mistress, but I bet you’ve been in a casual relationship with all intentions of just enjoying them sexually until BAM- the feelings hit you. Maybe it wasn’t love but you found yourself wanting to be ‘more than friends’ with them. The problem is you know your partner doesn’t want to define anything. For him, it’s all about the sex, baby.  Hey, you set ground rules prior. You had boundaries. Feelings, emotions, and certainly love was never a part of the agreement.

This is not me saying that sex is emotionless. Of course it isn’t. You should like, lust for, and generally care about the person that you are sleeping with. However, most casual sexual relationships have a very clear “I am not looking for love or labels, just lust” rule. Again, you knew the rules. I know you thought you had everything under control. I believe it when you say you thought you could handle things as they were. But, you were wrong. Now what? 

Crap You’re Falling For Them

Coming to Terms

First, you need to get yourself together, girl! Cry it out, scream it out, and then you need to calm down. Love isn’t the end of the world, trust me, worse things have happened. Denying you have the feelings isn’t an option though. I have tried it; it fails. You can’t just wish away feelings once they’ve surfaced. You need to do a serious check in with yourself and see exactly what you are feeling and what you want from those emotions.

Do you love him and need him to love you back? Maybe you want to give monogamous dating a try? Whatever it is you are hoping for, you should understand it before you go to him and let him know how you’re feeling. But never doubt that letting him know has to happen.

Before You Argue With Me

I know you’re reading this, shaking your head, and trying to convince yourself that you do not under any circumstance, have to tell him how you feel. Let me be very clear:

You do.

By not telling him you are doing several things:

  1. You’re devaluing how you feel.
  2. You’re starting to bottle emotions and they will eventually erupt.
  3. You’re denying them the opportunity to care for you in return.
  4. You’re negating the rules of casual relationships by not being honest with your sexual partner about how you’re feeling within the arrangement.

But most importantly…

  1. You’re hurting yourself.

You think it was easy walking away from some of the men I have? Or that I enjoyed being left when they realized they were in too deep? Hell no, but it had to happen and, in hindsight, it was always the right decision.

Now that we have that clear, let’s continue!

Be Real With Them

You don’t have to go in there professing your undying love for them, but you do have to have a serious come to Jesus with them. A part of having a successful, casual sexual relationship that is fun for both partners, is knowing when it’s not working anymore-when things have changed. So, it’s time to let him know that something has changed.

Personally I hate the “we have to talk” death sentence. Instead why not ask him, “How’s this arrangement working for you?” Be sure to ask outside the bedroom—inside the bedroom we already know that things are working well for you guys.

Tell them that you think they are amazing and have been having a great time, but that things have changed for you. Let them know that you’re starting to feel more for them than you originally planned for, and then communicate what you want (a relationship, a date, monogamous sex) no matter what it is you decided prior.

Give Them Space

You’ve had time to come to terms with your changing emotions but he has not. Give him time to digest what you are telling him and assess what it is that he wants. His immediate response may be one of anger-after all how dare you change a good thing? So, just let them sit with it a bit.

Just because things changed for you doesn’t mean that it did for him and you have to accept that. It sucks, I know. But, maybe things have been changing for them too, or could be if they let it and stopped fighting it. The truth is you don’t know what is going on in his head until he tells you. So let him know how you are feeling and then give him the space to do the same. That means a bit of distance is in order, seriously, don’t cling.

But, You Don’t Want a Relationship

You entered into a causal relationship, an affair, or a FWB situation because it worked for you. You’re a busy woman. You don’t have the time or energy for a relationship and nothing about that has changed. So, yeah, you care about him, but every other aspect of your life has stayed the same. So, what do you do when you don’t want to be with him, but you suddenly find yourself falling for him? And yes, it happens.

So the question here isn’t how to tell him and how will he take it, but rather, what do you do now?

The answer here may not be what you want but it’s what it has to be…and that’s that; you have to end it.

But, wait! Can’t I just ignore the feelings?

No. 

Refer to the “Before You Argue with Me” section if you’re doubting this. I mean it, ignoring feelings will not make them go away.

What if I give a relationship a go…maybe it will work?

No. 

Starting a relationship because you don’t want to give up sex, or because he makes you feel good about yourself is not the answer, ever. You’ve been honest with yourself (refer to the coming to terms section) about what you want and if it’s not a relationship then nothing is going to change that.

Prepare for the Fall Out

Egos are at stake here and emotions are likely to run high on each side. Chances are when you go to your sexual partner and let him know that you have to end the arrangement, they’re going to be pretty pissed off. Nobody likes losing a sure thing when it comes to the nookie and the excuse that you ‘care for them’ is going to sound pretty lame to them.

If your partner is anything like the men I’ve experienced they’re going to do one of two things:

  1. Try to convince you to stay by offering a relationship, saying they’ll leave their wife, trying to buy you (cars, apartments, jewelry—you name it, they’ve tried it), or by saying that they ‘love you and don’t want to lose you.’
  2. Get really pissed off, call you a stupid slut, and curse you, your mama, and your extended lineage for taking away what they want.

So, that’s fun. Subconciously, and not so, I chose those relationships because the men were unavailable and I really did not want a relationship. I made the mistake of trying to commit to one of the guys, I also fell victim to the ‘but I love you’ ploy of another…hey, I’m human and everyone wants to be loved. ßlink to warning from a mistress.

Be Firm

No matter which boat you find yourself in, the “I want more” or the “I want it done with”…you have to stay firm. That means that if they can’t handle the relationship (or lack thereof) that you want, you do not sleep with them. The sex is over. I mean it! No more nookie.

Sexting stops, the calls go unanswered, and it’s radio silence as a general rule. This is not about being mean, it’s not being a bitch, it’s about self-preservation. When your emotions started to take over, and you don’t want them to, then the lovin’ stops. You know that sex after this point will only complicate, hurt, and confuse you- so don’t do it!

The Take Away

Sex and emotions generally go hand in hand and that’s not a bad thing. Caring about somebody is not the end of the world, but it may be the end of your casual relationship. They’re not always the death toll on your sex life but you need to be okay if that is what it means.

Know when staying will hurt you more than leaving and listen to your heart. Cutting and running is okay if your emotional well being is at stake.

Have you ever had to end a casual relationship because emotions crashed the party?