Overall when it comes to reading advice on being forever alone single, dealing with men and dating/relationship advice, it normally goes in one little drunken ear and out the other. “Ten fashion trends men hate … NEXT “It’s a huge turn off when you … NOPE “Men think you should stop … OOOH LOOK, ‘CLUELESS’ IS ON I prefer to let life be the real teacher. Nothing can teach you like experiences of your ow, except maybe those random drunk conversations with that one blunt aunt. While being told that wearing more camisoles and brightly colored cardigans will make you appear more friendly and less intimidating to latch you a ‘boo’ are eye roll worthy, the advice columns about break-ups are usually the ones that are the fucking worst. Sure, some can be inspiring and/or thought provoking, but then there are others that troll in with advice like: Eat your feelings. Take medication. Spill all the details of the break up. Take a super wild trip with your girlfriends. …. and the goddamn Nickelback worst: Get under a new guy to get over the last guy. How about this lady who made the news recently? Apparently she missed all the advice, of any kind. Sane logic about moving on from a break up probably would have been lost on her anyway. For the purposes of breaking down her meltdown, let’s call this woman, Felicia.
Felicia, no gurl, no! That’s 121,669 shades of NO DAMN MA’AM. You should call no one 77,639 times in one week. NOT. ONE. SOUL. Not work related people, not your mama, not your amazing sibling, not Jake from State Farm, not your best friend from childhood, not Tyrone, not your fabulous friend that gets even more fabulous after they’ve had a few cocktails, not the pizza place, not even on Jesus. He has enough on his plate, sis. Clearly you’ve never read a break up clipping, let alone an actual column — or owned a Beyonce’ album, or had a heart to heart with someone or been forced to watch He’s Just Not That Into You with a girlfriend on a drunken Saturday night. So, thanks for the inspiration on moving on — this is for you.
You’re Going to Go a Little off the Rails
41,000 text messages worth? Definitely not, but in your attempt to move on from the break up at least one drunken “What did I do wrong?” is going to fly out. And this is why phones should not be allowed on nights out, boys and girls. Or nights in for that matter, or anywhere alcohol and your feelings are welcomed- leave that phone behind.
Let it All out
Give yourself a moment to take in the fuckshit that just happened to your existence. Cry. Be angry. Be confused as hell. Burn some pictures, donate their leftovers to Goodwill and just be sad. Detox it out now before you get it out later.
Most likely post relationship alone time isn’t the first option wanting to take. Take a trip home, visit loved ones, or just have a weekend in with a best friend. Even if it is to watch you be an emotional wreck.
Do Not Listen to Drake, Adele, Old School Angry Alanis, Lana Del Rey or Anyone Else in Need of Lexapro
Felicia, you definitely owned all of Drake’s albums. Listening to this kind of music will not help you get over your ex, it will just keep you miserable and depressed.
To get past the bad, you have to focus on the good. Spend a little alone time to sit down and make a list of everything going on around you. Who are you? Who do you want to be? What do you want to do? Reflect and write it all down, every little thing you want to accomplish or work on for the future months. You want to travel? Come up with a game plan—budget, price, plan. That purse you’ve had your eye on you finally decided you want to purchase to brighten your spirit? Buy it girl. You want to move out of your place because it holds too many memories? Search real estate, work harder, save your coins, and get the hell out. Stack and attack, for any and every thing.
Have a Funeral
Not in a literal sense, don’t get any ideas Felicia. But since the fact that you and your ex are over, they’re over. Non-existent. Irrelevant. Has-been. And so is the old you. At least the parts you picked and over analyzed throughout the course of the relationship (because you know you did). I.E, you felt you complained too much? Work on quashing your Complaining Cynthia alter ego and focus on being more positive. Have nothing nice to say at that moment? Chew some bubblegum instead, missy.
Realize You Didn’t Date Justin Timberlake, Megan Fox, Denzel Washington, Ryan Gosling, Jennifer Lopez or Jared Leto.
You can, and will, do better.
Stay In the Positive Lane
Surround yourself with anything, anyone and everything that puts a smile on your face. Stay in the company of positive, productive people. Read a favorite book. Watch an episode of Jerry Springer and realize your life could be worse. Take a bike ride to the beach. Get your weave done. Watch a video of some puppies. Eat your grandma’s homemade cookies. Treat yourself.
Stop over Analyzing and over Indulging in the Break-up
You’re on the road to recovery; you don’t want to keep reliving the same mess over, and over, and over again. After the initial news is out to whom you choose to reveal, don’t stay on the same boring topic of discussion. People will mostly likely try and pry, and that’s for you to shut that shit all the way down. Old news, move on.
That Whole Social Media Thing
- Avoid it. Take a break from it, at least temporarily.
- Don’t publicize. Change your relationship status to where it’s only announced to you — not your entire news feed. Unless you want to answer to all of your friends and nosy ass classmates you haven’t talked to in years that suddenly care about your life why you’re rolling solo dolo.
- Delete, block or ignore. Ditch the albums, remove the tags, and delete the source of the heartache. If you’re strong enough to not go as far as un-friend’ing, at least unfollow, mute or simply don’t keep up with their feed. They don’t exist anymore, remember? That’s their spirit hacking into their account, and you’re not a ghost whisperer so … moving on.
- Don’t subtweet. That means no cryptic messages, sad quotes or Youtube links to emotional Drake songs. Started from the Bottomis acceptable, though.
- Realize there is an 85% chance your ex is going to act like a stunt queen. They’re going to be out, acting out, posting more shit, and hanging out with new girls/boys. And you better not entertain a single damn show.
When you’re focused on your own grass, you’re too busy to notice if someone else’s is greener.
- Strive for a promotion. Search for a new job. Hell, work multiple jobs.
- Go back to school.
- Dive 100% into your hobbies. Your own business, start a blog, a YouTube channel, take music lessons, or simply shake what your mama gave you in a dance class.
- Learn a new language, master cooking, or any other skill you’ve just been putting off.
- Hit the gym—it’s hard to be sad when you have washboard abs.
When You are Ready, Accept that Your New Dating Life Might be a Mess
Spend a good 12 hours on Tinder. You’ll understand.
No Vacancies for Bull Shit
Like most things, break-ups take time. And so does healing. But eventually, it does come and you’ll become better because of it. And when / if the culprit who broke your heart happens to try and check into the Hotel Fabulous that is you, send their ass with packed bags, chile. Unless you have a thing for shitty sequels. But we know how that story ends. And with all of this, I’m done ma’am.