Assessing Blame


People LOVE to assess blame, especially in this day and age of entitlement.

Assessing blame is an easy way to avoid responsibilityan easy way to avoid failure, and something those with weak self images love to do.

Nowhere do people assess more blame than in relationships. If it didn’t work out, it was HIS fault because he’s an ass or it was HER fault because she was a bitch.

Or, what you hear just as often is, “we got married and he or she changed.” Or, “we committed to each other, and he or she turned out not to be the person I thought they were.” In all of these statements, there is an assessment of blame, usually on the other person.

One of the biggest reasons people assess blame when a relationship ends is to conform to the relationship narrative they’ve been bombarded with all their lives. That narrative is that there is ONE special person, your SOULMATE, you will meet, who will complete you in every way, and you will spend the rest of your life with. You will know them when you meet them because you will feel chemistry like you’ve never felt.

Now, when a relationship with a purported soulmate ends, there are two explanations. 1) That person PRETENDED to be your soulmate for nefarious reasons, emotionally defrauded you and scammed you, it’s their fault, and now they must PAY. Divorce lawyers love this explanation. 2) The whole idea of one soulmate is complete nonsense, and the reality is attraction waxes and wanes.

People do NOT like explanation #2 because it clashes with narrative. Furthermore, there is an entire industry I call “The Marriage Divorce Financial Complex” consisting of everything from diamond hockers to wedding planners to divorce attorneys who make a very nice living from people getting married and divorced and married and divorce. They profit from blame, and do everything they can to encourage it.

Now, I’m an avowed capitalist, and I have no issue with people making a market. However, as a consumer, it is up to YOU to do your due diligence, and make an informed buying or non-buying decision. And when it comes to blame and relationships, the best thing you can do is to NOT buy into it.

You see, the reality is, most of the time (not always) no one is to blame when a relationship dissolves, any more than anyone is to blame when the sun sets. It is a natural phenomenon, with the feeling of attraction reaching a peak, then naturally diminishing.

No one is to blame for this, it’s simply how attraction works. If you recognize it, and understand that almost every relationship you have will eventually end, then you can let them end amicably, and perhaps start them again at a future time. There is no such thing as one soulmate, but the good news is this: there are a lot of really cool women out there to spend time with, so that when one relationship ends, no blame needs to be assessed…just go spend time with another great woman, and what you will find as your life progresses is your life is full of great women, and that because assessed no blame, no relationship ever truly ends.

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Alex Wise served over 5 years as relationship expert helping women from around the world figure out the men in their love lives from an honest, male perspective. Alex is one of the contributors and editors for dating website. He is passionate about thought leadership writing, and regularly contributes to various career, social media, public relations, branding, and online dating communities.