Divorce or heartbreak is one of the most painful experiences we’ll ever go through. What perpetuates this pain is getting stuck in the past when your life is actually moving on. Today, I’ll be sharing the top 3 reasons women can’t let go of the past after a heartbreak.
Pushing Him or Hurting Yourself?
This is a big one. When a heartbreak comes out of the blue, you can’t help but turn into a dragon, who opens her mouth and it’s only fire that comes out. When we’re filled with “he’s wrong/I’m right” anger, it can be all too easy to fall down the slippery slope of holding on to that anger and unforgiveness as a tool for vengeance. Or if you’re going through a divorce, writing to your lawyer every single minute can turn into a bill, which equivalents to a brand-new Range Rover.
Get clear on your motivation before you go the route of punishing your ex and slow death for yourself.
When I worked with Jennifer, she didn’t care about anything in her first year of marriage. But it was like an oxygen for her to make sure that John shared her pain. She was on the mission to not make his life easy. Through our work together, she realised the detrimental impact the revenge had on HER happiness. She was trapping herself in the cage.
Looking back, she regrets allowing her emotions to dictate so many decisions. One day she told me, “I believed that I was stretching out the divorce to punish Jonh. I didn’t want him to get off the hook so easily. But I was really punishing and hurting myself. He’d moved on.“
Bad-Mouthing Yourself or Your Ex?
Sarah was furious to hear that David asked for a divorce after his affair came out. She couldn’t think straight. She wanted to destroy everything and everyone because of the injustice and unfairness she felt. All she could see was that he was abandoning her and their two kids for someone else.
As soon as daughters started splitting their time between their mom’s and dad’s home, Sarah couldn’t help but interrogate the girls every time they got back from the dad’s. Sarah took on a role of communicating the anger and resentment she couldn’t express to David to the girls. One night when Sarah was pouring her anger out on girls, they started to cry. They said, “I’m sorry mom, but I don’t know how to answer your questions anymore. Either way I’m wrong.”
Sarah learned the importance of not bad-mouthing her kid’s father. Because it drags the pain with you. What might be an angry outburst in the beginning of the breakup can turn into a lifelong pattern of not letting go.
Remind yourself not to burden your kids or friends with the details of what had happened over and over again. You completely have the right to share what needs to be shared but don’t talk about the other woman. Now it’s the time to focus on yourself, not on other women.
When Reasons For Leaving Aren’t Good Enough
Haven’t we all been there? When heartbreak comes from nowhere, you can’t help but look for the reasons inside because the real reason doesn’t sound good enough to break the relationship. You still want to save your marriage. At some point, you realise that you’ve been doing everything for everyone – helping everyone out.
A few years later you discover that everything is on your shoulders: the house, the kids, the garden, and family panning…. you’re exhausted. But instead of seeing the situation for what it is, you start blaming others for not appreciating the things or self-sacrifice you did for them.
No one will give you a medal for not loving yourself. The world is filled with women who initially started to put everyone else before themselves only to find themselves doing everything and running on empty. If you have hard times dealing with guilt when taking time for yourself, then read this about self-love.
You let everyone need something from you. Now it’s time to do something for you. Now it’s time to learn the value of asking for help. Reach out to me to help you get the life and love you want faster and less painful. You’ll quickly discover that if you turn to professionals like myself you’ll get to the bottom of things faster.
Seeking professional support during early months of your divorce or breakup makes it possible for you to help your kids, nurture your business, and be a better friend in ways you could never have alone.
The fear of facing reality will go away if you have a professional to guide you to the HOW.
The best advice is to seek the best advice. Don’t rely on your best friends to help you. Seek professional help. It’ll save you tears, time in pain, sleepless nights, and bottles of wine.