“My boyfriend and I have been together for six months. We have no major problems other than things have gotten a little dull. We fell into a routine, which on the one hand is kind of nice because we are comfortable and know where we stand with each other but on the other hand things are starting to get boring.
If I feel it, I know he can.
We call each other every day to touch base with usually a text in the morning and call at lunchtime. We see each other as often as we can, maybe three or four times a week. Even sex has fallen into a pattern. That might be my fault because I’m a little insecure with my body. I don’t initiate sex; I wait for him to do it. He has expressed to me that he would like me to initiate sex sometimes. I just don’t feel very sexy or confident about my body. I love sex with him but I don’t take control.
I’ve been reading your blog and I realize that I am very confident at my job but not confident sexually. I know he loves me but I want to shake things up and ‘rock his world’ but I don’t know how.”
When I ask men what makes a woman sexy the most common answer has been “If she thinks she’s sexy”, or a variation “When she feels sexy on the inside, it shows on the outside”.
When a woman truly feels it, it’s natural, not forced, not faked, not an act.
But sometimes you just have to fake it until you make it. Meaning, sometimes you do have to force yourself to behave outside of your comfort zone and wait for your feelings to catch up later.
If you sit around waiting until you feel sexy first to initiate sex for example, it will probably never happen. You need to do sexy things even when you don’t feel confident about it. After you experience the success and positive reactions your boyfriend gives you each time to take a risk, those little successes will add up and begin the inner transformation of ‘feeling’ sexy, confident, powerful.
How to get out of the rut:
First of all, pamper yourself. When a woman isn’t confident about her body she can tend to neglect it or ignore it. Get in tune with your body, take care of it, and spoil it. Take an afternoon and get a manicure and pedicure, and a good trim and blow-dry. Take a long bath with a glass of wine, shave your legs, give yourself a facial, and slather yourself with lotion. What do you normally sleep in? Buy a pretty, feminine slinky nightgown. When I have free time to myself, I often give myself spa-night including all the aforementioned. You can’t help but feel feminine and sexy.
Immediately break the routine. I was getting bored just reading your email.
Yes, it’s wonderful to be at that comfortable stage in a relationship where the two of you can sit back and relax, be yourselves and enjoy each other.
The minute he knows exactly what to expect from you, excitement is gone and monotony steps in. If he knows where you are, what you’re doing, when he can reach you….a text in the morning, a phone call at lunch, three dates a week and he initiates sex every time; there is nothing new anymore.
Don’t talk about the lull you are in; don’t tell him you are going to break the routine, just do it.
From texts to calls to the nights you see each other, start changing the pattern. You don’t have to be Sybil and change everything at once, make a few changes slowly; the idea is not to be so predictable.
Plan a date completely out of the ordinary about once a month or so. YOU need to set up a date doing something the two of you have never done before.
Again, don’t suggest in advance, “I think we should do something different, what do you think?” That just shows you aren’t very confident and need his help or suggestions.
If you want to ‘rock his world’, show him you are a dynamic woman with ideas and plans.
Say, “Hey, there is this great exhibit going on at such and such museum that I’d love us to see”. It doesn’t matter what it is, just so long as it’s different from anything you’ve done before. And of course make sure it’s something he’d like, forget the Celine Dion concert.
Express sexual desire. It’s easier than you think. My guess is that what he wants is to feel like you desire him and want him. That having sex with him occurs to you before he starts things. He’s probably not asking you to grab him, throw him down and control the whole event, he just doesn’t want to feel like sex is only happening because he asks for it and if he didn’t initiate, you’d be perfectly happy without it.
There are a lot of little ways to make a man feel desirable. All you have to do is start things by making him feel wanted and I’m sure he will happy to take over.
Here are some small and simple ideas:
- Send him sexy texts messages.
- Give him the look.
- When he hugs or kisses you, take the initiative and start unbuttoning his shirt.
- Whisper in his ear, “I want you”.
- Invite him into the shower with you.
And my personal favorite, a bold but HOT move….
- When you are out for the evening, excuse yourself to the ladies room, slip out of your panties and scrunch them into your hand.
Then when you return to your boyfriend, slip them into his pocket.
Don’t say a word when he asks, “what’s that?” just smile.
When he reaches into his pocket and feels the silky fabric, he’ll figure it out.
Don’t be surprised if the next words out of his mouth are, “Check please”.