Are you wondering, “How can I get a girl if I lack confidence?”.
Trust me this is very common. So many guys want to know how can I get girls to like me, especially if they feel like they lack the confidence to talk to women. The thing is, you need a certain amount of confidence to be successful at anything you do in life. This is called core-confidence, otherwise known as self-confidence.
They say that: Self-confidence and positive thinking = success
Whether you are looking to do well in a particular sport, or job, or whatever, confidence is a key ingredient that keeps things flowing nicely. It’s like the foundation everything else is built upon. It takes whatever skills and talents you have, and amplifies them.
It’s exactly the same with women. You need to have a certain amount of confidence to be successful with women. If you can’t talk to women they I am afraid to say that you have pretty much no chance of being great with women. And how do you talk to women? By going up to them and confidently saying, “Hi”.
The words aren’t difficult. But having the confidence to actually go through with it, well that is massive. That is the difference between massive success, and dismal failure.
A big problem
Probably one of the main things I hear on this subject is how you can gain confidence by being successful at whatever you are doing.
For example, if you are playing golf then you will really up your confidence levels if you start winning tournaments. You suddenly getting this great burst of confidence. You now know it’s possible for you to win a tournament because you have been there and done it. Now it’s a case of playing more tournaments and smashing out the victories.
Success breeds success. Article over… Haha, not a chance. It’s not quite as simple as that is it? How can you go from where you are, to that first, vital success?
All will become clear…
The thing is, in order to win that first tournament you would have obviously needed some confidence and self-belief behind you. Otherwise you probably would have struggled to see the victory through. You would have gone to pieces on the last hole, or spooned it on the final tee.
This is where the problem lies. It’s very true that if you succeed at something then you will gain confidence. However we need to learn how to get enough initial confidence to be successful in the first place. It’s like the old ‘chicken and egg’ problem – if you need success in order to be confident, and you need confidence in order to have success – how can you ever end up with either if you have little confidence or success to begin with?
In order to do this, we need to use the power of what I call the ‘snowball effect’.
It goes like this: The more success you have with women, no matter how small, the more you confidence you have which in turn will bring you more success. If you can get a girl to like you, then you know it’s possible to get girls to like you from that day on. Once you know it’s possible, then it’s just a matter of getting out there and doing it. It’s a pretty sweet deal don’t you think?
So how can I get a girl if I lack confidence?
Well firstly you need to get some initial confidence. This is probably the hardest part of becoming successful at anything. It’s not easy feeling confident about something if you have never done it before. Or at least not had any success from it.
The biggest thing is realising that you need to push outside your comfort zone. However we all know this is not the easiest thing in the world. If it was this easy, you wouldn’t be asking me how to get the girl if I lack the confidence to speak to her, in the first place.
There is a reason why it’s so fucking hard. Raaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
Being the amazing machine your brain is, it tries to do what is best for you. In this case it tries to protect you from stuff that might go horribly wrong. Therefore, as Paul McKenna says, “Your brain tries to make today the same as yesterday because it knows that will have the highest chance of keeping you safe”.
Basically, you got through yesterday alright so if I make things happen in exactly the same way they we will be perfectly alright. It’s a survival mechanism. In the past, it was biological programming like this that meant we didn’t go toe-to-toe with a sabretooth tiger, and end up as lunch.
Can’t complain
You can’t really complain about this because as a human your number one priority is to be safe. Otherwise you are increasing your chances of hurting or killing yourself and that is a big no no.
However the major downside is it stops you from changing easily. Changing from the norm could potentially mean hazards. Hazards that the brain doesn’t want to happen to you.
But in order to become successful with women you need to fight through these barriers. You need to break through your comfort zone and allow yourself to take a risk in order to get the success you need to sky rocket your confidence.
These survival mechanisms were relevant many thousands of years ago when they first evolved in our brains and bodies. But guess what? The chances of us encountering some beast or predator that would likely kill us in modern society is pretty darn slim. Essentially, the programming we are all born with, is out of date. It’s like an old PC running Windows ‘98 – in serious need of an upgrade.
So how do you get that initial confidence?
Inner Game Confidence
Firstly you need work on that grey matter in-between your ears. If you have any negative thoughts going on in your head then it’s going to be really difficult for you to feel like you have enough confidence in you to make that first approach.
It’s the old story of self-fulfilling prophecy. What is a self-fulfilling prophecy? Wikipedia describes it as:
“A prophecy declared as truth when it is actually false may sufficiently influence people, either through fear or logical confusion, so that their reactions ultimately fulfill the once-false prophecy.”.
If you fear that you are not very confident then you will not be-able to become confident. There the first thing you need to be able to do is accept that you are capable of being confident. If you have ever spoken to a girl then you are confident enough. You just got to realise this fact.
To really attack this from all angles, I would recommend reading some books on human psychology, listening to hypnosis CDs and using affirmations. All three things should help you to gain the confidence you need to go out into the real world and start actively changing you ability to meet and attract women.
Outer Game Confidence
Now let’s talk about outer-game confidence. This is more focused on being confident in your aptitude and your abilities, to e.g. walk up to, and talk to a girl, without trembling, vomiting, having your voice turn into a little squeak, treading on her feet, etc, etc.
The first thing to remember here is don’t get stuck into the mindset that you need to learn every part of an interaction to gain confidence.
This is a fallacy. As long as you know how to go up to a girl and say, “Hi.” you can start an interaction.
A lot of guys get stuck in the mindset that you need to learn everything. However I believe that this is just a way to prolong having to approach a girl. It’s a form of procratination. You must realise that trying to learn everything won’t give you confidence, it will just slow down your progress.
Instead you need to break through the fear barrier and actually approach and talk to girls. You need to overcome that mechanism in your head that causes us to back out of anything we fear. I am talking about the fight-or-flight response. The bodies body’s primitive, automatic, inbuilt response that prepares the body to “fight” or “flee” from perceived attack, harm or threat to our survival.
Yes I know it’s easier said than done just to walk up to a girl and start talking to her. However we have all been there and guess what, 99.999% of guys will walk away from the first interaction without any problems. THESE ARE GOOD ODDS!
Ok, so you might not get her number, but you will realise that nothing bad will happen. You walk up to her, she’ll probably be a bit surprised, but also quite flattered that someone has taken the time out of their day to talk to her. You’ll chat for a bit, you’ll probably run out of things to say, you’ll say, “Well, I better be going now, but nice talking to you.” And you’ll walk away. Boom, you will never be the same again after doing this for the first time. Trust me on that one 🙂
Once you realise that the world isn’t going to implode from the mere act of you walking up to a girl and talking to her, your confidence will rocket. You won’t be worried about something horrendous happening when you approach a girl. In fact, you’ll want to do it more. And more. And soon you’ll be looking for opportunities to talk to women wherever you are, no matter what time it is.
A good way to build this sort of thing up slowly is just to ask women generic questions you would ask anyone. Ask them what the time is to start with. Just go up to them and say, “Hi, what time is it?” Simple as that.
Then, once you feel comfortable doing that, maybe move onto asking directions to where something is like, “Where’s the nearest coffee shop?” Then, just keep pushing the envelope, until you have the confidence to do all the things you have learned from meeting women.
Side note
One time I asked a woman what the time was. Five minutes later I walked up to the same woman and asked the time again without realising I had already asked her. She was like, “You asked me this five minutes ago”.
Now if you had said to me beforehand that this was going to happen, I would have bricked it. However after it happened I just walked off and laughed. This made me realise that things are never as bad as you think they will be. Even this worst-case-scenario turned out to be actually pretty funny for the both of us.
Anyways, back to business
I hope that this article will help you to build that initial confidence you will need in order to go out and start talking to women. The real answer to “How can I get a girl if I lack confidence?” is to work on your inner game until you have got enough confidence to approach a girl and say hi.
Once you can approach a girl and say hi, you will realise that nothing bad is going to happen to you. Then it’s all about pushing the boundaries of your comfort zone, and going further and further each subsequent time.
