As a love coach, I see women dating the wrong guys all the time. I mean why else would they come to me in the first place? Either they fell for a guy who didn’t fall back, or he turned out to be a jerk, or he just wasn’t holding up his end of the relationship.
Whatever the case, I noticed that a lot of women were dating the wrong guys – not one time, not two times, but multiple times.
What gives? Why are some of the smartest women I know ending up with men who are not worth their time and energy?
Can you relate? If this is something that resonates with you, keep reading to see if you fit one of these three categories.
Low Self-Esteem
I’ve noticed a pattern in women who have a skewed view of themselves. Sure, you might run successful businesses, have jobs you love or pride yourself in being independent, but these things could also be hindering how you view your self-worth. You might feel as though your self-worth is tied to your success or your independence. I am a firm believer in how you do one thing is how you do everything.
So what happens to you and women like you whose self-worth is tied to being successful? For instance, you get into a situationship with a guy who may not be your ideal person. When red flags start to pop up, you don’t see them because you’re so focused on making this situationship work. You want to succeed.
Each time a situationship doesn’t work, you feel like you failed, and it heavily affects your self-esteem and self-worth. If you don’t recognize this pattern of self-worth being tied to accolades or physical things, you will continue to put yourself in less-than-ideal situations and surround yourself with people who have the same mindset. Thus, continuing the cycle.
You need to to realize that success of any kind does not measure your self-worth. Your worth is measured on how you view yourself. What are you worth? Are you worth a guy who is willing to move mountains to be with you? Or are you okay with a guy who meets your needs with silence?
Desperation/Loneliness/Settling
Be real: Are you being honest with yourself? Are you actually okay with being single? Do you feel like finding someone is important to you? If so, you need to honor that by being more selective of those who you let into your heart.
This means operating from a place of wanting to share your life genuinely with someone who is the right match for you. It means not dating guys simply because you’re lonely or because you feel like your (mythical) biological clock is ticking and you must find someone now or it will be too late for you.
You should not be settling simply because you feel like no one is going to love you at [insert your age here]. The energy you radiate when you come from a place of loneliness and desperation is something people can pick up on. This is how you end up dating the wrong guys.
Be honest with yourself if you feel like the single life isn’t for you. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be in a relationship. Create a list of things you bring to a relationship and then a list of things you want from the other person to bring to the relationship. When you find yourself really digging a guy, refer back to your list and see if it fits what you’re looking for.
Trying to Make It What It Isn’t
Resistance is a form of self-sabotage. Subconsciously, you’re refusing to see the truth that is right in front of you because the truth scares you. Being honest with yourself when someone doesn’t feel right is important in every aspect of your life, especially relationships. You don’t want to waste months- or even years- on someone who isn’t worth your time and energy.
Continuing to be with someone and viewing them with rose-colored glasses is harmful on your well-being. You ignore your boundaries. You allow them to treat you less than what you deserve. You start to second guess yourself and your own actions. And that begins to wreak havoc on your happiness and self-worth.
Learn to listen to your intuition, don’t ignore it. One of my mentors, Gabrielle Bernstein, teaches that understanding the difference between your ego and your inner guide is vital in making better decisions in your life. This practice can most certainly apply to dating and relationships.
Your ego is the voice that speaks to you from a place of fear, jealousy, etc. Doing things from a place of ego has negative outcomes and effects. However when you let go of control and trying to make it what it isn’t, you allow yourself to tune into what your gut feeling is telling you and make decisions from a positive place.
When you do things from a positive place, you can expect peaceful outcomes and peace of mind. This the same kind of feeling you have when you’re with the right person.
Dating the wrong guy doesn’t have to be a habit. Put yourself first and never settle. Recognize when red flags appear and don’t try to make it into something it isn’t. Once you get to the root of why you keep getting sucked into the vortex of the wrong guys, you’ll can start to make integrity-based decisions that will lead to you bettering yourself and finding the match that’s right for you.
