Just because he looks like a man, talks like a man, adjusts his joint while standing in the all-you-can eat crab leg buffet like a man doesn’t mean he’s a man. Appearances, as they say, can be deceiving. Hello, Terminators? They look like hairless dreamboat meatballs on the outside, but inside, they’re man killing robo-skeletons. More likely, your boyfriend or husband might be something even worse. He might not be a man, but a momma’s boy, a man-child, or a he-diva. A frat boy in a man’s suit and tie. A picky, eye-rolling hipster bitch under a lumberjack beard.
A man knows when to play, and when to get shit done. A man can ice a bro, but then takes care of business. He cringes at the thought that college were “the best years of his life.” Because the best years of his life are always ahead of him. Man does not live on beer, boobs, and bacon alone. Now… are you so sure your resident X/Y chromosome is a man? Has doubt been planted? Are you staring at him right now, as he battles terrorists on his Xbox, and thinking “Is he a Trojan Man?” And no, not the condom. But a man who looks like a man, but is in fact, full of tiny, itty-bitty, marshmallow-high doucheballs?
Well, here are fifteen signs your dude is also a man. A real man.
- He earns his right to be lazy.
- He understands that tears aren’t weakness. That’s just how courage sheds excess water weight.
- He will brave a hailstorm of Biblical proportions to buy you tampons. In fact, soaking wet, he will stride up to the counter at the all-night drug store and boldy slam the box of “heavy flow” and be all “Whut? Also: this bag of Goobers.”
- When he’s wrong, he says he’s wrong. Just like Baby’s daddy.
- He never stabs a rival in the back. He’ll look them in the eye, coolly tell them what’s coming and stab them in the face.
- He knows that, in an emergency, he can fill in for AC/DC’s Brian Johnson.
- If you ask him, he has a well-thought out zombie attack defense plan, complete with escape routes, alternate escape routes, and instructions on how to turn a broom, some duct tape, and a kitchen knife into a fearsome zombie killing spear.
- He hugs you like he’s your own, personal bungee cord harness.
- The last slice of pizza is yours. Always.
- He communicates his feelings with housework.
- He pays for dinner, because it’s one of the best ways he knows how to spend his money.
- Every time he says “I love you,” it sounds like a revelation, a promise, and a poem all at once.
- When Spock dies, he’s not afraid to cry.
- He knows the difference between making love to your divine flesh, and slapping that ass.
- He is proud of you. Because your victories are his. YEAH! GO TEAM!